Now where was I ?

Yes, am still alive and kicking, infact strangely so. I never thought it would be this way, I never thought I would update my blog again, but here I am on a Monday morning 4 o clock writing this. For starters I quit my job couple of months back and have joined WIMISI (Wellknown Institute of Management In Southern India) to pursue my degree in Management and its been one helluva ride since then. I knew what I was getting into, I had no qualms then, I would like to say neither do I have any now. So why did I do what I did ? Well I would like to say that I did so because I have always wanted to do it or perhaps if i say that i always knew I was born to do it, that would be a passable answer too but alas as always the truth is something else and not so socially acceptable. Nah now is not the time to dwell into that, I have the next 2 years to do that. I promise to be irregular and post at times which can only be predicted by a random number generated but yes I promise you some really interesting and 'Deep' stuff which would shake the ground beneath your feet, no ? Think again.

Mulaqaat - A meeting - Part 3

@ the coffee place

( They both have been carefully treading the path as to not to get onto touchy issues. They both can feel the air thickening between them. They get seated at a vacant table overlooking the street.)

"Is smoking allowed here ? " ( He asks knowing very well that how much she hated smoking hoping to see some kind of resentment on her face that he has not given up on the habit)

"Yeah I guess so " ( She calls the waiter and gets it confirmed that it is allowed. He takes out a ciggy and is searching for a light.)

" They took the match box when I boarded a flight. Do you by any chance have a light ? " ( He again expected her to burst out but she dint instead she did something really strange. She took out her zippo and lighted his fag.) .

(To say he was shocked would be an understatement and he dint make any effort to conceal it either)

" Dodo what happened ? You look like a baby in a topless bar. Ha ha."

" When did you start smoking? "

" An year back, why what happened ? Amnt I allowed to smoke ?"

" Nope nothing like that, you know you have changed a lot"

" Just to quote you, People change and thats the only thing that doesnt. So in what ways have I changed "

" I mean (he stutters) look at you, you are no longer the Shruts I knew once. You look totally different, your behaviour is totally different. You smoke, you are married, you have a kid. You are not the vulnerable woman seeking reassurance from me anymore "

(There is still only amusement on her face)

" Ok, am sorry. I shouldnt have said that. Its just that I am a bit unsettled at finding you like this all of a sudden"

"Its ok Av, not a big deal. And I dont blame you either because am a lot more different than what you last saw me. I have changed, my attitude towards life has changed. I did make a few choices then though i was not convinced that they were the right ones, but on hindsight they have turned out quite well. I am a successful professional, a loving wife and a good mother to my child and I couldnt have asked for more from my life." ( She flashes her condescending smile)

(His male ego was swirling by this time. He was getting a taste of his own medicine and it was bitter. She was using the standard responses which he once used. He dint like being on this side of table.)

"But are you happy sweets ? " ( He asked in his most considerate voice)( There was just a brief moment before she responded and in that moment he felt he saw a flicker of doubt cross her face or he must have imagined it.)

" Ofcourse I am, what kind of question is that ?"

" I dont mean to offend you or anything, but its just that I want you to be genuinely happy. I just hope that you havent fallen prey to Aposteriori-Justification syndrome. Just because one cant change one's choices which have already been made one tries to justify that they are the rite ones. You know what I mean..."

" You silly, there is nothing like that you are reading too much into things. Its plain and simple I am happy (flashing her beatific smile). "

(Sipping his coffee) " Ok, as you say ( shrugging his soldiers). I would take your word for it. ( he actually smiles the first time for the evening)"

( Her Cell phone rings. She mumbles something like I will be there in 10 mins)

" Ok Av, I gotta leave now, the baby sitter said she have to leave in some time so I need to be getting back home. "( She is opening her purse)

"Hey Carry on, The treat is on me. Cya around sometime."( He smiles)

(She gathers her things and is leaving)" Ok Av, Bye. This is my Card it has got my number. It was nice meeting you after so long."

"Bye Shruts."( He somehow felt that he no longer has the right to call her sweets)

(She leaves. He is waiting for his credit card. The waitress arrives, he tips her handsomely. Collects his baggage and makes way out of the restaurant. He feels a bit cold as he enters the street. He sees a huge crowd gathering a few yards away. He can see an Ambulance rushed to the place. He thinks that there must have been an accident. He has always been amused as to why people gather around the accident spot. Is it amusement for them ? Then he discards that idea that people are not that sadistic. Probably just to know that if the victim is somebody they know. He never felt the urge to rush to the spot . As he neared the spot they were carrying the stretcher into the ambulance. The purse caught his eye. No it cant be her. A million thoughts racing through his mind. He slowly approached the stretcher and just peeked at the face on it. He couldnt believe it. She was a bloody mess. He couldnt control the scream that welled up inside him. )

"Sweeeeetttttttttttsssssssssss".

" Yeah dodo. whats the matter with you? Why are you shaking ?"

(He was confused for a few seconds. Then realization dawned upon him. Bloody hell it was just a bad dream.)

"You ok, Av ?"

"Yeah am fine."

" Then get up dodo and get ready, Sid and Niru will get late for school. Come on now get your lazy bum up."

" You are missing something sweets. You know a way to get me up from the bed, why dont ya try it ? "

"Ofooo grow up Av. You still not a kid but a father of two." (He dint give any sign of relenting)

"Ok fine come to the kitchen You will get what you want."( She says teasingly and escapes his advancing hands).

" Come on Tiger, come and get me."(He hears her from outside the room, he winces at the word Tiger, but what the hell, he runs after her. He loves this every morning ritual.)

P.S - Am sorry for posting it so late...was really busy with things.And I had tough time to give it a happy ending.

P.P.S - Why do I have this compulsive desire to Kill people in my stories. Is there a name for this kind of fetish ??

Mulaqaat - A meeting - Part 2

Continued from previous post......

He was curious as to how her life might have shaped up. He wanted to know how she was doing. He paced quickly towards her and when he was a couple of yards away from her, he called

"Hey Sweets, is that you ?"

(She stops in her tracks, turns around with an expression which seems like a collage of shock and surprise)

"Hey Av, what are you doing here ?"

"Oh my God, I cant believe this, its been ages" he says.

( His eyes are fixed on to her as if he is seeing her for the first time and trying to imprison her in his eyes, she can feel his gaze upon her and its making her feel uncomfortable)
"No dodo, its been 4 years and (looks at her mobile) almost 3 months (and flashes her i-rritated-you smile) "

"Yeah yeah, when have I ever been good with numbers. So how come here ?"

"I live here (Shrugging her shoulders), I have never seen you here before."

"Oh you live here!! So what does your husband do ? I came here on work."
(He secretly wishes, please tell me am not married, please get angry with me for asking such a stupid question, please shout at me for thinking that she would get married to somebody else)

"Oh him, He has setup practice here, he is a dentist."

(Fighting hard to keep his disappointment away from his voice)
"Oh thats so kewl, so you still with the same old job eh ?"

"Nah, I have to take care of Sid, he is still a toddler, So i took a sabattical from work. So whats happening with ya? Did ya find that one ideal women which you were always looking for (she couldnt help sounding sarcastic)

(Averting her eyes) " Yeah, I met her fine but you know what the best part is, I managed to tie the knot and we are blessed with a beautifu daughter. We named here Nirali "

" Oh, so finally u managed to name your daughter Nirali, eh ? "

" Yeah the same way you managed to name your son Siddharth" ( He couldnt keep a straight face while lying to her, He is a pretty good liar but he somehow feels she would always find out if he lies. One's eyes always gives one away when lying and at one point in time she could read him with eyes closed, he wonders whether she can still do that.)

"I am so happy for you. I always told you that you will meet the one woman wou always wanted to be with. " (She has this genuinely happy smile on her face which irritates him and makes him feel guilty about lying. He wanted to see disappointment in her face on hearing that he belonged to another woman now but all he could see was mirth.)

(Yeah rite !!!) " Now do you have to bring in those I told you SOs?" (Visibly irritated)

"Hey, why you getting so touchy about it ? I am just happy for you thats all. So tell me more about your gal"

" Ok, forget it. What abt my wife? She is the prettiest woman I have ever met ( He has always told her that she was the prettiest woman ever born, He hoped to see her dejected when he told her that he finds another woman prettier than her, but no change on her face.) She understands me quite well and shes a very nice person to talk to. She is a very good mother and what else (Shrugs his shoulders). Do you know a place where we can have a good cup of coffee here, it would be great if you can accompany me."

(She looks at her watch) " Yeah sure just around the corner theres a nice Cafe, we get pretty good Cappuccino out there."

(She starts walking in that direction and he takes a couple of quick steps to catch her up)

To be continued (at the coffee shop ;))

Mulaqaat - A meeting - Part 1

He recognized her at once by her gait. She always had a distinct gait for a woman and he always used that to make her out in a crowd. Its been 6 years since he last saw her. She has changed quite a bit in that time. If not for her walk he would have missed her. She had put on a bit of weight, he always used to tell her that she was too skinny and she would look prettier with few more pounds. Her coiffure looks a bit different, more trendy than what she used to have. She was sporting this capri and a black T . He has always remembered her wearing a salwar. Its amazing how you always have a picture of people in your mind, how you capure their existence in your memories and expect them to remain that way for eternity.

The memory of their first meeting is still fresh in his mind. How he had accosted her and though she was hesitant initially it dint take long for her to open up. He has always wondered at his ability to accost any stranger especially women and within minutes make them feel at home. They discussed everything under sun. She devised a point system to see how many of their interests match and they kept count of it for a couple of days but after that it was too much of an effort to maintain it. He still chuckles when he thinks of what her first impression of his was. She thought he was just one of those women chasers. They both laughed when she told him this.

He had liked many women before he met her but with those women it was always the physical attraction. She was the first woman with whom the physical aspect never entered his mind not that she wasnt pretty but somehow he was never able to find a satisfactory answer as to why so. One fine day he told her that he loved her. He hadnt planned for a proper proposal with a red rose and a mushy card which was the norm then but he simply told that he loves her when she asked why he was so lost for past few days. She dint agree to the proposal, he was adamant, she was depressed he was not giving it up, he couldnt see her depressed, he gave up, she came back but he couldnt. After that they grew apart and gradually lost touch.

Now here she was, the only woman he ever loved. He was never able to love any other woman, he never even tried to. He dint wanna get married for the sake of it and fool himself and the woman he would marry. He did enjoy being a bachelor but there are nights when he wished she was there with him. He was curious as to how her life might have shaped up. He wanted to know how she was doing. He paced quickly towards her and when he was a couple of yards away from her, he called "Hey Sweets, is that you ?"

P.S - I promise to post the part 2 in the next couple of days.

Someday

Its been almost 2 weeks since he has heard from her, he doesn’t even know where she is or what she is up to. She suddenly disappeared from his life. Her phone doesn’t respond. He doesn’t even know whether she is alive or dead.

This was the last mail he wrote to her

If you want to leave , you are free to do as you wish...have never tried neither will I ever try to stop you cos that’s not me...I jus cannot ask you do something for me....cos we are two different individuals and we are free to take our decisions as we wish..... One thing about me which you might already know when I take a decision I consider jus myself and only myself....I do not think that a particular person would be hurt if I do this. if my action seems to be justified to me I go ahead with it if some body else gets affected by it then its not my problem. If I have to stay/leave I would jus consider about me how this decision will affect me whether I will be happy/sad staying/leaving, what are the consequences of this decision to me. But I guess we both differ here you take your decisions not keeping what consequences it would cause to you but what effect it will have on others, you tend to value others over your self but I am diametrically opposite to it. I tend to value self over anything else. So if you think your leaving or staying will have any effect on me then it’s my problem not yours. If I get hurt cos you leave/stay then its my fault not yours. You need to understand that I am not saying mine is the rite way of living or yours is, I am no judge of that , you are free to live the life the way you want to and I am free to live the way i want to. I have always told ya I am not cut out for relationships...I guess you would understand why now.

To the above her reply was

All I understand right now is that you are clear on this not having a future

Am not hurt one bit …. Yes, I sincerely hope that no one is ever hurt by my actions … Glad to know I have never hurt you

As for you being cut out for relationships – well, am no one to comment on that, maybe am just not your ‘type’ … whatever it does not matter any more

I have been hurt before and I refuse to tread the same path. I can take care of myself and hence I have the insight to see that nothing good is going to come out of this …..

Adios!

And after that there was no correspondence at all. He had read these two mails so many times that he can recite them verbatim. He decides to leave early from work cos he sees no point in sticking at office and staring at these mails and he is sure that no work would be done either, probably he would go for a long drive on his bike. The thought itself is refreshing. He quickly leaves his cubicle before his superior can stop him and takes the stairs instead of the elevator for the fear of some raised eyebrows. He takes out his bike, puts on his earphones and helmet and quietly gets out of the campus.

In my search for freedom

and peace of mind

I've left the memories behind

Wanna start a new life

but it seems to be rather absurd

when I know the truth

is that I always think of you

He smirks at the timing of the lyrics. He has heard this song umpteen number of times before, considering that he started listening to western music with MLTR but never before the lyrics have been so eloquent.

Someday someway

together we will be baby

I will take and you will take your time

We'll wait for our fate

cos' nobody owns us baby

We can shake we can shake the rock

Hope, that’s what keeps us alive, has said many of his friends. And he has always asked in return, hope of what? He has got replies like hope of a better tomorrow, hope of knowing your life’s calling, hope of finding that one person who will matter to you the most. Nothing has ever convinced his cynical self.

Try to throw the picture out of my mind

try to leave the memories behind

Here by the ocean

wave's carry voices from you

Do you know the truth

I am thinking of you too

That’s what he has been trying to do, to throw her out of his mind for over a year and half now. He just can’t get himself to do that. The only thing he has managed to achieve is indifference to his own life but not to her. He has become almost emotionless but whatever little emotions he felt were still invoked by her. She still was a part of every dream, every fantasy of his.

The love we had together

just fades away in time

And now you've got your own world

and I guess I've got mine

But the passion that you planted

in the middle of my heart

is a passion that will never stop

Then what is it that’s been stopping him? He has asked this question himself a lot of times but he never was able to pin point the problem. Probably when she gets back he would tell her that he still longs for her.

He never speeds on highways, but today he was going full throttle. He can see from the corner of the eye the speedometer touching 100 Kmph. He takes a sharp turn to avoid hitting a pedestrian, the bikes skids and he loses control. He tries to jump off the bike in the hope that he can escape with a few scratches. He falls on the road and is rolling, the truck behind couldnt stop in time.

Someday someway

together we will be baby… May be not.

Ironic !!!

You ask me where you stand in my life, after you have walked out of it.

You ask me whether you still strike a chord in me, after you have cut all the strings.

You ask me whether I can reach out to you, after you have amputated my hands.

You ask me why can’t you see me after you have shut me out from your life.

You ask me the questions which were answered by you long ago.

My dearest, one can’t suffer the legacy one leaves behind.

Of Radio and Life .

Everyday I have to commute from home to office and vice versa and the only companion I have during that time is my Radio ( apart from the Love Stories i.e ). I always wanted an Mp3 player but never got one but in hindsight it seems to be a good decision. Let me tell you why. I prefer radio to an Mp3 player because there is an air of unpredictability associated with it. With an Mp3 player I choose the songs, I know what to expect and most of the times I know whats coming next (ofcourse i am talking of a player which doesnt have Shuffle capability, but even if shuffle is on I still am limited to a few number of artists and songs), but the best thing about Radio is its Randomness, I dont know what to expect next at times a few stations never give me a clue as if which language the next song is gonna be. The songs and artists are unlimited, you get to meet new artists almost everyday and get introduced to good songs too. With an Mp3 player i can choose the songs i like, I am sure there wont be a song which will make me cringe but with radio you get a good mix there will be times when you will be like aaargh but the next will bring a bigger smile on your face, I guess this goes well with the saying that you need to experience evil to appreciate good. And with radio there are times when you feel like if at all that song comes up it will be great and the next thing you know is they indeed are playing that song and the joy you experience is boundless. I know its a simple thing but it can really brighten ones mood, it can really make one's day. The anticipation, the hope that the next song will be the one which you will love keeps you going.

This preference of mine says something about me too I guess. Its consistent with my affinity towards unpredictability in life. How many times I have thanked heavens for making life unpredictable, what fun would it be if I knew everything beforehand then there is nothing to look forward to but going through the motions. This explains why I like change in my life however unwelcoming it might be. This also explains why there is always a smile on my face even when i am leaving a place I have stayed for years or people whom i love because for me the uncertainty of future is what keeps me going. Tomorrow might be a freaky day, tomorrow I might meet new people, tomorrow I might visit new places, tomorrow I might meet that one special person, this hope makes life bearable and keeps ennui at bay.

Valentine's Day Special

'Will you be my Valentine?' said the Spider to the Fly

I read this statement in one of the blogs and it actually got me thinking. I googled it and read the poem the "The spider and the fly" . It was funny and in the end it had a moral too.

So how my thought process went was something like this. The first thing that came to my mind was who was the spider and who was the fly in the above scenario ? In the sense that are men the spiders and women the flies or vice versa ? Being the equal oppurtunity guy I am, I thought I would argue the case both ways.

Men who claim they are the flies

Ofcourse we are the flies, arent we? Easily duped by that feminine charm, with those lovey dovey faces, with every trick in the world they ever conjured. What choice do we hapless men have ? We have to invent pick up lines, we have to show them that we are different or atleast we need to have a good bank balance if not Hrithik like looks. It gives us nightmares thinking about whats the next move we need to make to make her stay. Am I treating her too non chalantly or am I suffocating her with too much attention. Am I supposed to hold her hand while crossing the road or would she think that I am being amorous. But still the web is so strong that one we are stuck we are stuck for life unless ofcourse the spiderwoman is on men diet.

Men who claim they are the spiders.

Ha ha women, those fragile looking things, those easily culpable species who would lap up any shit we give. They keep dreaming about Mr Prince Charming who would come on a stallion and save them from the dragons of life, but poor little things how would they know that Mr Prince Charming himself is a dragon in disguise - Mu ha ha (evil laugh). We just need to don the role of this guy who listens to all their woes, who provides them the emotional and financial security and they would walk into any trap. Its a men's world my dear f of s and the only place for you women is in the kitchen and the only work they are capable of doing is procreating - Mu ha ha.

Women who claim they are the spiders

Men ? Lol what a joke they are. The whole purpose God created them was to be a toy in the hands of a woman and when she gets tired she can dump them in any garbage can she wishes and play with another toy. You know something - The greatest trick the devil ever played was to convince the world that it doesnt exist. Thats how we have been all the way. We act as if we are subservient to men, we convince them that without them we cannot survive, we make them feel that they are the masters, they are mighty powerful capable of inflicting any hardship on us and trust us these men are suckers for power however virtual it may be. Now you know who the real master is and History stands testimony to the power wielded by us. And the quote 'Hell hath no fury as a Woman's scorn' is definitely not a bugaboo.

Women who claim they are the flies.

You know he says that I am the most beautiful woman he has ever met and he cannot live without me and he would spend his entire life trying to make me happy and he kneels down on one knee and pops up the inevitable quetion every women so badly wants to be asked - Will you marry me ? And thats it we get all teary eyed and say 'Yesss'. What did we knew then that tomorrow the ritual is going to be repeated with another setting and another woman. By the time we wake up to the harsh realities of life we are already devoured. We fall for the same old formula again and again and how we wish we can learn from our mistakes.

So guys here I have been the counsel for all the four cases and you being the Jury pass the Judgement.

Wonder Years

Ever since I laid my eyes on the television series 'Wonder Years', I have been hit with a bout of nostalgia of my own wonder years. Those were the years when I was in college(2000-2004). The people who made those years wonderful were K and R. For me the only times I vividly remember of my days in college were the times I spent with these two guys.

For starters we guys were very different from each other. We were from different family backgrounds, different localities, different schools with different ambitions. K wanted to get into IIT very badly and he is one person I know who deserved to get in there. R wanted to be a doctor. As for me I was just the same as I am now not knowing what I want. But some how we landed up in Electronics and Communication department in SRM engineering college. At times I wonder what would have happened if K would have got IIT and R into a Medical college, how my college life would have been. I am sure no matter what followed it could have never been what it had been.

We guys had some sort of bond, some kind of common frequency of communication which only we would understand, for the rest of the world it was encrypted or unintelligible. I couldnt put my finger on one day, one incident which brought us together because we never realized nor we acknowledged the thing we shared until later. It just happened over a period of time and it was as oblivious to us as it was to everyone else. We used to do everything together (except studies) right from grading the chicks (R was pretty good at spotting things in Chicks which me and K would have overlooked otherwise), playing cricket, watching movies, participating in culturals or having late nite talks.

Our usual hangout place was K's home, we used to play cricket on weekends in the street and we used to fight tooth and nail against each other. We used to call each other names, yell at each other, utter obscenities, we were as fierce as we could be and thats the way we liked it. And it was all forgotten with out any effort once the game got over. K's mom used to serve us some hot energy drink and some dosai too(Yummy). We used to play Uno, computer games, listen to a common play list on K's comp ( we all had our gals ofcourse it was one way traffic but what the hell we dint care about it then), play carroms and then we used to go to a place and have yummy choclate milk. And our idea of an ideal way to spend time was to see Dil Chahtha Hain and we would make sure that it would be only 3 of us. During college tours we used to share the same room and we used to laugh our hearts over things which to others might never seem funny.

There have been various faces I had put on to various people in life but with these guys it was just me. It was so simple to be with them, no pretention was necessary, no fear of saying anything which would hurt them. It was just plain and simple as I always thought freindship should be. The best thing about it was we never had to explain ourselves unless we wanted to. We always gave each other the space and time. People around used to be curious about how come we guys were like the way we were and they used to be surprised when we said that we never called each other up for small talk . Even when we used to meet after a long time we felt as if we had just met yesterday.

Remember in Dil Chahtha Hain when Akshay Khanna says that 3 of them were like that boat which would seek a particular destination and their destinations might be different. I never understood the full implications of that dialogue until much after college. As it turned out our destinations were different. I wouldnt say we grew apart but certainly the communication between us did reduce starkly. When ever we used to meet we would again talk as if we parted so recently. But on these meetings what I also realized was that we were changing. We no longer were what we have been in the past, the differences were subtle but I guess all 3 of us sensed them and accepted them as if it was the most natural thing to happen. Our ways of looking at life, relationships, people, career, success were all different. May be they have always been different may be not but the realization that they were different dint dawn on me until later after college. I woudnt say it made me sad but it certainly made me feel that something was lost. Things were different now and they perhaps never will be like what they were.

Though me and K work in the same company we hardly see each other not because we dont want to its probably because we never took an effort to (which has always been like that) or probably our priorities have changed. As for R he is in a different city from us but we hardly call him up because we have never called each other just like that. When in college if any of our Bday was due the other two used to plan atleast a week before as to how to celebrate it. Now the other day I even forgot the fact that it was R's Bday. Not that he would mind me not wishing him( I would be foolish to think that he would) but that day I thought long into the night as to how did I forget R's Bday ?

Now atleast we meet twice or thrice a year but in the years to come I can hardly hope even for that cos we might be in different countries for all we know. But I am sure of one thing even if we meet once in ten years we would still have a good time as we have always had. I am going to meet these guys today for dinner and I am sure I will have a great time. But nothing can equal the time we had in college, those were the best days of my life.

I am Back !!!

Hello Guys,

First of all I owe an apology to people who expected the Trial part 2 to be posted soon or so I promised. Sorry Guys, had a really important two months and was too busy with a lot of things(more on this later) hence was not able to blog. Anyway I would blog regularly from now onwards unless hit by a writers block (but thats a rare possibility since to be hit by a writers block one has to be a writer in first place and I don think I can call myself that - I am aint being modest here). So guys I am back to fulltime blogging and watch this space for regular updates :).

Ciao for now folks, work beckons.

Avi.