He was sitting in his rocking chair with one hand on the trigger of the semi automatic and the other hand holding an unlighted cigarette. He had been fired this morning from his job for not adhering to the policies of the organization. As the thought crossed his mind an indifferent smile appeared on his face. He should feel dejected but he was not, he should be angry for being fired for absolutely no fault of his but he was not, he should be gritting his teeth and plotting revenge but he was not. “What’s the matter with me?” he said to himself.
The room was pitch dark, all the curtains down, all the windows shut. He preferred darkness. It just gave him a sense of safety. He felt that nobody can see his pain, nobody can read his thoughts. He can see what he wants to see. He can create a rational world of his own. He doesn’t want to see what light reveals. He doesn’t want to see the ugly face of the world he is currently living in.
“Why the fuck am I alive? “, the frustration was apparent in his voice. Why can’t I just end it all right now? , just blow my brains out, what difference is going to make to anyone? Nobody would give a damn if I die right now, in this very second and why anybody should care. It’s been one hell of a ride since the day he had realized how futile one’s existence is. He had wondered since then, realizing what he had, can one just go on leading a “normal” life? Can one believe that his life had a purpose and his goal in life is to achieve that purpose? “If such a person exists, just show up and reach out to me and make me believe that it can be done ”, he yelled in a pleading tone.
All these days what had kept him from taking his own life had been the hope that it may be possible to lead a “normal” life after knowing what he knows. Maybe he is missing something, which he may realize at a later point of time. But today had been a bit too much. He just wants to end all this agony right then.
But then again he decides against it. Is it the hope or the fear of death he cant say, but he just could not bring himself to commit suicide. He pulls the trigger of the semi-automatic and lights the cigarette.
The room was pitch dark, all the curtains down, all the windows shut. He preferred darkness. It just gave him a sense of safety. He felt that nobody can see his pain, nobody can read his thoughts. He can see what he wants to see. He can create a rational world of his own. He doesn’t want to see what light reveals. He doesn’t want to see the ugly face of the world he is currently living in.
“Why the fuck am I alive? “, the frustration was apparent in his voice. Why can’t I just end it all right now? , just blow my brains out, what difference is going to make to anyone? Nobody would give a damn if I die right now, in this very second and why anybody should care. It’s been one hell of a ride since the day he had realized how futile one’s existence is. He had wondered since then, realizing what he had, can one just go on leading a “normal” life? Can one believe that his life had a purpose and his goal in life is to achieve that purpose? “If such a person exists, just show up and reach out to me and make me believe that it can be done ”, he yelled in a pleading tone.
All these days what had kept him from taking his own life had been the hope that it may be possible to lead a “normal” life after knowing what he knows. Maybe he is missing something, which he may realize at a later point of time. But today had been a bit too much. He just wants to end all this agony right then.
But then again he decides against it. Is it the hope or the fear of death he cant say, but he just could not bring himself to commit suicide. He pulls the trigger of the semi-automatic and lights the cigarette.
24 comments:
kudos!( to say the least)
Both to him and to you!
@ Rashmi - Why do I see a sense of sarcasm in this comment ? Tell me i am a cynic and u genuinely meant it ;)
@catch22,
I Promise, I wasn't sarcastic here. I meant it.:)
See, Kudos to him because he thought there is something more to life than just ending it and Kudos to you for such a neat portrayal of frustration that anyone encounters some day or the other.
@ Rashmi - Thanks :)
hey thanx for writing in...and yup they do apply...and that to everyone...
Exactly...so thats y hanging on and waiting for that to come and that too with a smile on my face...:)
Tut tut..what is this fetish for having a 'tortured life' a la Byronic existence anyway?? (Yes Yes I know you will claim it is 'FICTION' and I am over reacting and all that...)
Now what dost thou mean by 'futility of existence'? doesnt that presuppose that one needs a 'reason' for living?(pseudo or otherwise)
“If such a person exists, just show up and reach out to me and make me believe that it can be done ”,
Thus Spaketh Ayn Rand from the grave:
"My child how could you do this to me? Are you not one of the idealistic sucke...err..I mean noble beings I had based my Fountain Head and Atlas Shrugged on/for?? Isnt Howard Roark,Hank Rearden enough role models for you to lead a tortured life and wishing you were them well knowing they are idealized
fictional characters living in their delusionary world?? It is for the such times like this I wrote my rather convoluted magnum opuses! Arise my child! You will be the Overman that NietZsche dreamed of.....despair not and please go and re read Fountian Head...atleast that will give you a valid reason to commit suicide..."
".. Maybe he is missing something, which he may realize at a later point of time.
But ofcourse..dont you know? God works in mysterious ways and He has obviously a plan for you..Remember
"They also serve who stand and wait"
Why do I think the first four paragraphs is just an excuse for you to put a cigarette in your bally mouth??:P:P
Alright alright I will stop my rant..it is just one of those days..."He was sitting in his rocking chair with one hand on the trigger of the semi automatic and the other hand holding an unlighted cigarette. He had been reading a blog on someone being fired this morning...."
And Life goes on;)
@ Girish - Why do I detect a hint of frustration in ur comment or am i imagining things. Yeah u guess it rite when u said that i would claim it to be fiction,it is indeed fiction.Whoelse can know better than u whether its fiction or reality.
"Why do I think the first four paragraphs is just an excuse for you to put a cigarette in your bally mouth??:P:P"
:P
"Hint of frustration??" ME?? Ah come on..I am this merry butterfly flirting from one flower to another spreading joy and mirth to all and sundry...In fact I am a character right out of a Wodehouse novel...
Look at me...not a hint of torture is there?? Ok Now will you please go ahead and pull the trigger and shoot me?
Mucha gracious!
anyway I HAd to bring in the Ayn Rand from the grave!;) you know just to 'raise the spirits' (har!har!)
See..See I can be funny too...if that is not torture then tell me what is..?
@ Girish - O Captain !!! My Captain !! :p
Grrr...dont indulge in 'plaGirishism' :p
anyway am sure Whitman wouldnt mind....
Fiction it is.But somehow when i try to visualize this man,i see him smoking a cigar,sipping a coffeee and pretending to listen to other sounds around.
Darkness gave him more an advantage than safety...
The advantage to spot before being spotted...
As far as the thought of ending life... I feel he was more giving himself a stress test rather than an option.
I feel your character in the Blog passed the self test ;-)
Well written… importance is given detail which cant be ignored if the character has to be understood. Good work !
X
@ Samudra - So what are u trying to say ?
@ X - Thanks dood. :)
your character will emerge out strong, after that cigarette
A person who believes in a purpose and lives out that is not a normal person :).
To be ignorant of the purpose of life and to acquiesce at the slight hint of obstacle is the nature of the masses. If a person is living out his purpose he is NOT gonna come by and reach out for the simple reason that it is not his lifes' purpose..
@ Ramesh - Really ? I donno abt the character but my lungs will emerge weaker after that ciggy.
@ Badri - Well,this character in the post doesnt feel that there can exist a purpose in life. He is convinved himself that existence is futile and he is asking someone else who had realized the same but they continue leading tortureless life for moral sanction .
Definitely fortunate...:)
"He preferred darkness. It just gave him a sense of safety. He felt that nobody can see his pain, nobody can read his thoughts"
Really dark in here...
:p
simply wow.....i know its emotional but how u doted down is so relevant to one suspect on own life...awesome.....
He can see what he wants to see..... He can create a rational world of his own
So how such emotional thoughts come and overwhelm us.....we want to confine within our territorial feelings....no matter where it leads us to for a time being....
Is it the hope or the fear of death he cant say, but he just could not bring himself to commit suicide
its always that 1% of hope defeat the 99% depression.....he has long to live that hope in the core of heart whether he agree or not.....so wateva thoughts come, though unanswered, it can’t kill the bravery of one’s soul until n unless hope alive somewhere inside one’s life though in small portion....
the tragedy is that most of the time such sole thought ruined one’s life by making them drawn completely in such emotion ......there’s bravery where’s one can cut off the bridge which lead to death hanged from one’s sole disheartening thoughts...and he is brave enough.....
hmmm... left me feeling like there's something more to it than what appears frm ur post..!!
v interesting post..
@ Mocking spirit - Well, most of the times when i write something it turns out to be dark :)
@ Nitika - Agreed. Hope is what keeps us alive. It is out strength it is our weakness.
@ Neha - :p
im adding ur blog to my links...
@ Srinath - Its a lighter dood. Anyway.
".....we better live in such a way that our purpose is meaningful and worthwhile to someone trying to figure it out....."
How do we know our purpose iis meaningful?
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