He was awakened from his reverie when the fire reached the stub of the cigarette he was holding and burnt his finger. He immediately bought his finger near his lips and blew some air on the burn as if the air he blew would wipe away the wound from his finger. He started wondering what was he thinking but couldn’t remember it. He felt anger at himself for not being able to remember his own thoughts and the anger was even more justified because it was happening once too often. He has been getting complaints from people around him that he was preoccupied and he lives in his own world and he doesn’t pay too much attention to them. He already had 3 burns on the same spot. If somebody interrupts him and asks him what were he thinking he would say nothing in particular and the other person would get annoyed because they felt he was hiding some thing from them or he was not interested in speaking to them.
He crushed the cigarette under his feet as if reminding it who was the master. He slowly made his way to the wash basin and rinsed his burnt finger. The feel of the gushing water on his skin always calmed him down. Then he went back to the chair and lighted a fresh one. He is remembered of random conversations he had with some of the people around him. Not the entire conversations but bits and pieces of them. Some one said to him “You are so rude. You could have said that you won’t be joining for the dinner in a nicer way”, another sentence came to him “You lack human compassion otherwise how can you not miss any one “, then another “You are not human, I can’t see a human in you” and another “You have double standards.” He closed his ears tightly with both the hands hoping that these words would stop but they wouldn’t. He just got up from the chair and took a couple of steps. He liked to walk , he liked movement of any kind , he liked action because these thing remind him of the fact that he was still alive , at times he would crush the cigarette using his own fingers because the resulting pain would be a sign of life.
He couldn’t understand why these things were said to him but what bothered him was the fact that he was supposed to get hurt on hearing these things but he wasn’t. He had no passion for anything, he had no love for anyone, he had no goal to reach, he was not answerable to anyone, he was not responsible for anything, he had no desire to live nor he had any desire to die, he dint wish to create anything, he dint want to be remembered for ages to come, then what did he want? Just to exist? He thought of creating a pseudo passion, pseudo love, pseudo goal for himself and creating an illusory reason to live but again he doubted his ability to live a lie and discarded that possibility.
He was awakened from his reverie when the fire reached the stub of the cigarette….
He crushed the cigarette under his feet as if reminding it who was the master. He slowly made his way to the wash basin and rinsed his burnt finger. The feel of the gushing water on his skin always calmed him down. Then he went back to the chair and lighted a fresh one. He is remembered of random conversations he had with some of the people around him. Not the entire conversations but bits and pieces of them. Some one said to him “You are so rude. You could have said that you won’t be joining for the dinner in a nicer way”, another sentence came to him “You lack human compassion otherwise how can you not miss any one “, then another “You are not human, I can’t see a human in you” and another “You have double standards.” He closed his ears tightly with both the hands hoping that these words would stop but they wouldn’t. He just got up from the chair and took a couple of steps. He liked to walk , he liked movement of any kind , he liked action because these thing remind him of the fact that he was still alive , at times he would crush the cigarette using his own fingers because the resulting pain would be a sign of life.
He couldn’t understand why these things were said to him but what bothered him was the fact that he was supposed to get hurt on hearing these things but he wasn’t. He had no passion for anything, he had no love for anyone, he had no goal to reach, he was not answerable to anyone, he was not responsible for anything, he had no desire to live nor he had any desire to die, he dint wish to create anything, he dint want to be remembered for ages to come, then what did he want? Just to exist? He thought of creating a pseudo passion, pseudo love, pseudo goal for himself and creating an illusory reason to live but again he doubted his ability to live a lie and discarded that possibility.
He was awakened from his reverie when the fire reached the stub of the cigarette….
14 comments:
Awesome!
So, we are into short stories (for lack of a better term) are we?
Self-indulgent post, if I may say so.
Tell him to use one of those fancy plastic cigarette holders !! They lower the tar content and also prevent fingers from burning :) :)
But nice story !!(If that was a story)
@ Musafir - Made my day. :)
@ Karthik - Thanks for the suggestion :) have always believed the plastic holders was a female thingy.
@ Musafir & Karthik - Short story? am not too sure about that probably the last two lines suggested that. I rather intended it to to be a passage taken from a story. Gus have u listened to Fanaa songs? If not do tat soon, awesome songs.
Btw Karthik did ya find out what my real identity is ?
I was just wondering if you'd read this
Female thing !! Plastic holders !! hmm .. U know what - then by the same standard Vodka(which most of us love) is also a female thing !! These are common misconceptions which i hate - things like Menthol Cigartte makes u impotent !! Aneeways plastic or glass holders are great for health da .. But one issue - they smell yuck !! SO bad that if u accidently put it in ur shirt pocket, then u'd better spend some time washing properly !!
@Rajesh - Hope these things sound like greek and latin to u !! i dont want everyone to die of the same disease !! :) :) And the link abt Ayn Rand sounds good. Maybe shud read it instead of my project docs !!
And finally - Yeah i found out who u are !! Orkut and rajesh to the rescue !! Had some trouble recognising u - dont think we have even spoken to each other, but seen u around and even heard lots(!!) abt u !!
@ Musafir - Interesting, thats all I can come up with rite now :)
@ Karthik - Nope we have not spoken to each other but yeah I know U . Heard lots abt me ? Why am I curious?
hmmm.. it does seem out of something cause it's not complete.. and it's a little depressing.. loneliness is depressing.. and this man seems all alone to me..
Off the topic, loneliness and self-alienation are two entirely different things.
@ Neha - Agree wid Musafir, Loneliness and self alienation are two different things but I some how cant categorize his situation in either of them.
@Catch 22
It was a truly touching portrayal. In fact, I have seen some people who seem to stay aloof , not by choice but by compulsion.To me it seemed the same here too.
@ Rashmi - What made you feel that it was by compulsion and not by choice ?
@catch 22,
Well, I dont know who/what the
Inspiration for this post was, but it could be that he/she also wants to enjoy life, have a swell time with folks around but because he/she cannot let such feelings thrive for whatever reasons ( sometimes society being one) he/she might suppress the true feelings for the other person by behaving in a crude way, not convincing to oneself too. Mostly, no one wants to be rude, they are compelled to be so, sometimes by inherited emotions,sometimes by the environment. Nevertheless, this is my opinion alone. You can always differ. After all, this is your storyline.
Well, the inspiration for this post was the question that can man ever be an end in himself ?
This man has a way of life which comes natural to him and which seems perfectly rational to him but he is seen as an inhuman by everyone cos he doesnt fit in their world. He just deliberating on whether its worth it to put up an act like them and to be considered one of them or to just hold his forte when he knows that he is rite.
And one more thing all opinions are welcome on this blog. Jus anted to know the reason behind why did u think it as a compulsion.Thanks a lot for visiting the blog :)
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