Vestiges of a dying Romantic

Arms wide open, looking in the eye of rain, going round and round, losing touch with the reality; are these signs of happiness? Even though the pleasure might be fleeting, but I did feel giddy for a moment. Was that because I was happy or because I went round and round? my mind questions. Its been quite some time since I have felt that. I still remember the last time I felt that way, though it dint last for long but it remains etched in my memory. I recall that when ever I need strength, when ever I doubt my capacity to experience joy. I say to myself "Hey, I did feel that !!!", I could do it again some day. This day has been coming for quite sometime. Does it vindicate my existence? Does it pacify all the pain and suffering? Does it justify those lonely nights spent smoking and wishing this day would come sooner than later? These are the questions which i am faced with.

The source of this fountain of joy is again a woman. Why am I not surprised at this? You know, a woman can make you feel that way. If she hasnt already, she will some day, take my word for it. Every man needs to experience this atleast once in his life, that will appease his existential angst for some time. It will serve as a beacon during the nights of utter hopelessness. I am going to such an extent as to say that when life seems futile one can aspire to light that beacon again. There you go, I have said it, thats the meaning of life. But there is a melancholic texture to this joy I feel which is different from the last time. Then I wanted it to last, wanted to do everything in my power to hold on to it like if I let it go I would slip into an abyss. But this time I am aware (more mature? ) that I cannot hold on to it forever, that its fleeting and I am already in an abyss. My desire for it to last still rages. Does it lessen the joy? No, it makes it more precious, more invaluable.

A woman can level you with her eyes you know. She just have to glance at you and you feel your heart flutter. You are aware of every movement of her's. You are overwhelmed with her presence. She grows so big that she fills your existence. You just want to freeze that moment and keep staring at her. You lose sight of everything around you. You are desparate for her to deign in your dreams. You feel a pang of jealousy whenever she flashes that charming smile to another man. At times you look like a fool trying to attract her attention. Ah the joy of being able to feel jealous, the joy of looking like a fool, the joy of feeling vulnerable again, how I missed that all these years. Its like being a child again. This must be return to innocence.

Is that love? What else could it be? You know love is just a word, you can attribute to it any meaning you want to. Its something so personal that at times even the object of your "love" cant grasp the meaning of it. The best thing about it is nobody can take that away from you, like hope. It doesnt even have to be reciprocated. Its like it happened and the way past cant be reversed, the impression it leaves cannot be erased. Nothing or nobody can take away that moment from you. Not even you. The balloon will burst but the consequences are immaterial. The rest of your life can be one big bore but hey, you did experience this moment. You were there, fully soaked in the rain and the happiness. You did feel that high and the rest of your life can be spent trying to relive it again and again.

P.S - If not in Life, atleast in writing.....