The Trial - Part 1

‘This man must be hanged till death!!!’ screamed the newspaper headlines. This has been a quiet year apart from genocide of 2 million people (This number seems paltry when compared to the last year's figure of 10 million), 5 million youth have been forcefully drafted into the government’s military regime and just 4 countries have been obliterated from the face of the earth. This kind of news has been common for last few years hence nobody raised an eyebrow when they heard that some XYZ country has been bombed by the military forces. But the news today on headlines did create a ripple among the citizens of the country because it was so uncommon.

The story below the headline stated that a man has been arrested on the charges of murdering the most powerful religious head of the country. It was also said that this man is going to be tried publicly and the trial is also going to be telecasted to all corners of the world. The date of the trial was set to be September 2^nd, 2084 i.e. a week’s time from then.

Right from the moment the story became public, hate campaigns broke out through out the country. Demonstrations were held demanding to castrate the killer before chopping his head off, so called peace protests were held demanding to torture the man before being electrocuted, petitions were signed by hundreds of thousands to hang the man without a trial. Even the human right activists campainged that the man should be killed using a lethal injection.It was a busy week for the citizens of the country which hasn’t seen such buzz in recent years.

The man in question was kept in a high security prison with armed personnel guarding the prison 24x7. Nobody was permitted to speak to him or see him. The only person who was permitted to speak with him was the government appointed attorney to defend the man. But the next day news headlines read that the man has refused the defense counsel provided by the government and asked permission to the government to plead his own case. Government happily granted permission because no attorney was ready to take up the case in first place.

On the day of the trial, it was a pompous atmosphere all over the country. It just seemed like a festive season from old days. It was declared a public holiday by the government because they wanted to show the people as to what happens to those who break the law. They had no clue what they were in for...

To be continued …..

I am Wiser - I am 24 !!

Today I turned 24, one more year just flew by. Looking back at this year , I dont seem to be remember much except that I survived. The day has been good till now. Yesterday night 12 o clock , my room mates surprised me by getting me a cake (black forest yummm), then I was kicked in the ass and got a cake pack on my face( and in the hair too). Then got a couple of calls from my friends. After that I dozed off. Today I have been really busy on the phone like never before. I have never got so many calls on my Birthday as I got today. Phew.

The guys at office got me another black forest , again got lots of kicks in the ass and again got pasted over by the cake. It was a sense of dejavu from yesterday's night. Never cut two cakes in a span of 24 hrs before so it was a novel experience considering the amount of bumps too. Thanks everyone for all your wishes, you guys made my day.

One of my friends called me up to wish me. She said I am supposed to make one wish and one resolution for my Bday. She sounded as if it were mandatory. I said I have never done this before. She replied saying that she would wish on behalf of me and asked me to choose a resolution. I said I cant resolve to do something on the fly so I need time. She has given me time till the evening to tell her my resolution. I am still thinking...

Yeah am still at office, not exactly slogging but yeah working. I have given meow last week. Lets wait and watch what happens. Have my fingers crossed.

Thats what has been happening in my life. Will be back to full time blogging soon. So keep an eye over here. Ciao guys.

A Break from Blogging

Hey Guys I am taking a smal break from Bloggin till Nov 19, you know for what rite.

Good Will Hunting.

I wanted to watch the movie Good Will Hunting for a long time now. Finally I managed it last weekend. I knew the entire story of the movie, Courtesy – Musafir. He told me the story once and we discussed about it long into the night. It’s a very interesting movie in the sense that it raises certain questions which I personally found very difficult to address.

One of the questions which me and Musafir did discuss was why should one fulfill one’s potential. I know I am a genius, I know I can do a lot of things which others can never attempt but does that mean that I should fulfill my potential ? Does being a genius should place a burden on me to act like one? What if I do not want to do what I am best at? It’s definitely not necessary that I would always enjoy doing what I am good at.

Have met many people in my life who carry the guilt that they have not been doing justice to their potential. They hate every minute of their existence thinking of what a failure they have been in their lives. Among these people there are two types. One is the type for whom the guilt is society induced and another is the type for who the guilt is self induced.

For the first type the problem is still not huge because they can take refuge in the people who would understand them, who know that success and happiness are relative terms. They would feel perfectly at home among their kind of people. The problem is huge for second type of people, they cannot take refuge anywhere, one cannot hide from himself, can he?

For all the people who carry this guilt, I would suggest you to watch this movie. It might not help you find all the answers but it might give you a hint as to what they might be.

Love Story Continues .....

He saw her again. He couldn’t believe his luck. They boarded the same bus and guess what she was sitting in the adjoining row of seats but at the same level as he was. When ever he boarded the bus he always made sure that he sat by the window seat. But today he was glad to make an exception and took the corner seat and just hoped that some one whom he knew shouldn’t turn up at this moment. Think of the devil and he is there. One of his best friends ‘A’ got on the bus. ‘A’ came right to his seat. Though he was pretending to be asleep ‘A’ had no qualms about waking him up.

‘Abe kya kar raha hain?’ ‘A’ asked.

‘Dikhtha nahin hain kya so raha hoon’, he said.

‘Chal chat mat, andar jaa, mere ko jagah de’, ‘A’ said.

He grudgingly made way for A. Normally he would have been happy to see A because it’s good to have some body to talk to during the bus journey otherwise he would have to resort to Radio and hear Sunaina – Nimma smile specialist. He dint mind the music on the radio but he wished there was less of RJing. Today A was not in a much of a mood to talk and he had no intention to make him talk. On his day A can talk for hours and hours about everything under sun, topics ranging from Pink Floyd to gay rights but today he was conspicuously quiet and he couldn’t have chosen a better time.

Now he had to bend forward to look at her. He was thankful that A had closed his eyes. But to his disappointment she also closed her eyes. He had hoped to catch her eye today and see if he can notice any sign of recognition from her face. But she closing her eyes had its own advantages. He can ogle at her without the fear of being caught. He had never seen her this close before. He was afraid that she might not look as pretty as she did during the road crossing. But he was glad to realize that he was wrong.

She couldn’t have looked more beautiful. There was a childlike innocence on her face. There was absolutely no strain of a hard days work. He wondered what she might be dreaming about. He envied what ever the object of her dream was. It dint matter to him whether it was a man or woman or any other inanimate object. He just wished he could transfigure himself into the object of her dreams.

She was sleeping with her bag on the lap and her head lolled sideways. He cursed the bad roads. There was a faint smile on her face which would be imperceptible for a casual observer. He never thought he could feel this way watching a woman sleeping. He could have sat there all night and watched her.

Today he dint seem to have any luck. There was not much traffic on the roads and he knew that he would have to get down at the next stop. It was pouring down outside. On any other day he would have been staring out of the window in to the rain but today he had a better option.

‘Abe sale uth, apna stop aa gaya’, he shook A.

A got up and rubbed his eyes. A clutched his bag and made way to the door. He reluctantly got up and followed him. He suddenly realized that she should have gotten down at the stop before. He wondered whether he should wake her up but again gave up the idea. Then she suddenly opened her eyes and looked around. She immediately got up and made her way to the door. The bus stopped all three of them got down and found themselves getting lashed by the rain. She coolly took out her umbrella from the handbag and walked away. He had an urge to follow her but decided against it. ‘A’ had already run for cover under a coffee shop. He stood there for sometime and made his way towards A.

Untitled

Questions I mayn’t ask you!


Did your time fly? Did it heal?

Did another bud bloom in your garden later at dusk?

Did another soul caress your stubble and lock that gentle smile in her eyes?


Did every mole of yours tell you stories, like mine did?

Did I become a distant memory that spoiled your days?


Did you yen to unburden your uncontrollable tears on to my bosom, back again?

Did you wish to snuggle up to my neck on those hazy dawns?


Was I the love that you embraced in your juvenility?

Was I merely a passing cloud that retained a soft corner?

Did I become the past that you abhorred to reminiscence?


Did you play the silly pranks we created ever again?

Did your vivacious laughter find its right destination later sometime?


Will I be worthy of a mention in your book about love?

Will you say, ours was everything that love could be?

Will you sing the symphony of our bond on my grave?

Will you stroke my hair once before fire engulfs the me that was always yours?


Time didn’t heal. The sun didn’t rise.

Never again for me.


Questions I’m dying to ask you!

This piece was written by one of my very good friends. She can describe any emotion so beautifully, there are times I wish I can write like her. This was a piece written in extreme pain. Why is it that best pieces of art come out when people are in pain?

Mumbai Rocks!!!!!

Was in Mumbai for past one week. Phew!!! That city truly rocks. I went there to meet few of my cousins and sort out certain family issues too. I flew for first time in my life and it was a decent experience. The only bad thing about the journey was the tea. They gave me around 250 ml hot water, a tea bag, one small sachet of milk powder and one sugar sachet (that’s all I normally have 3 sachets of sugar – I know I know its too much but I like it that way). I mixed them all and it tasted like anything but tea. What did I expect from Air Deccan? Huh. I make great tea, you don’t believe it? Ok good tea even my mom says that.

So finally landed there, of course half an hour late. I find all the roads are wet, not stagnated with water but just wet. I was really happy to see that it hadn’t been raining helter-skelter there. And during my entire stay there was not much of rain, atleast it dint hamper any of my plans. And to top it all the moment I got inside the train while coming back its started pouring down. :)

I had 3 of my cousins giving me company all the time. First of them Jinus –He had finished his Engineering and doing computer hardware business, he is a cool dude, knows how to have fun. Second of them – Zarna – She had finished her BPharm this year and looking for jobs, she is one of her kind, extremely lazy (after all genes you see) and extremely smart. Third of them – Zenith – He is in his final year of BCom. He knows all the good places to hangout, Lanky dude and we share the same passions in sport. Awesome people to hangout with. Had loads of fun with you guys. Thanks a lot for everything.

We had a Maruti Zen at our disposal. We went to a variety of places – Mocha’s at Churchgate, Phoenix at Lower Parel, Cosmic at Khar, Spice and Flavors, Nuriman Point, Reclamation, Worli Sea view, Ayub’s for Paneer Kati roll, Bachelor’s for Juices and Ice Creams. Every one of these places had something good about them. I thoroughly enjoyed each of them. Had lots of Hookaah too ;). Hookaah had become a new fashion in Mumbai, every eat out or a coffee shop has to have it. The people in the city know how to have fun. The night life of the city is great. Inspite of many bomb scares people still thronged the streets. They never let go of an opportunity to celebrate.

Three cheers to the spirit of Mumbai.

P.S – Today is one of my Best friends, Kripa’s Birthday. Happy Birthday dude. Have a blast.

Snapshot of my mind!!!!

I was tagged by Musafir to do this tag. Buddy you asked for it, you get it :).

I am thinking about -

Whether the code I wrote would work fine or not? (Trust me if it doesn’t work fine I am in deep shit) and how futile ones existence is?

I said -

F%^& reservations!!!

I want to -

I want to start my guitar again, listen to a lot of music and read a lot of books. I want to travel a lot. Want to be a nomad for life.

I wish -

I were not born in this era.

I miss -

Nothing :(

I hear -

Voices inside my head. Absolute cacophony in there. The irony is they can’t be shut by closing my ears.

I wonder -

Will I ever discover what I want to do with my life?

I need -

I wish I knew that.

I regret -

Not making the best use of my time. I waste so much of time in watching stupid things on TV which I could invest in something productive.

I dance -

In the rain, in a party when ever possible, never miss a chance to dance.

I cry -

Not my cup of tea. What’s the whole point anyway?

I am not always -

Objective.

I make with my hands -

Funny shapes which seem funny only to me.

I write -

When I am in the mood, mostly in the nights when there is nothing around, except me and my thoughts.

I confuse -

Push and Pull sign on the reception doors in my office.

I should try -

Writing a poem.
Reading old classics.
Practicing my guitar.

I should finish -

I have hardly begun.

I know -

How can I measure it There is so much I know and there is so much I don’t.

I am -

Self conceited, Pseudo-Objectivist, Self – Sufficient, A bundle of contradictions.

And finally -

I am tagging a few more people to do this tag - Soliloquist, Mocking Spirit, Neha, Saira, Samudraa

Love Story ?

It was just another mundane Monday morning (it alliterates!!!) after a languorous weekend of sleeping, eating and more sleeping. He wondered whether there is excitement surrounding everybody else’s lives or is it that grass is always greener on the other side. He as usual got up late, knew was going to be late to the office and also knew that he was going to miss a meeting. That thought dint trouble him much but what did bother him was the extreme boredom he had been inflicted with. He managed to drag himself out of the house and was on his way to the uninviting office.

He had to cross a road to reach the bus stop and every time he thinks of crossing that road he just wishes that the signal is red so that he doesn’t have to wait. It’s a simple wish at times it gets fulfilled at times it doesn’t. Today it was not to be. When ever he is stuck in such situations he bides his time by watching people around him. He likes doing that. He likes to read their faces and surmise what is going on in their minds. There is a whole gamut of emotions he notices - excitement, boredom, irritation, anger, preoccupation etc.

He saw her. He couldn’t have missed her rather. She was on the other side of the road waiting the same way as he was. He remembered the phrase “thunder bolt” from the book The Godfather by Mario Puzo. He just couldn’t help himself staring at her. He glanced at the signal timer, 156 seconds to go before the signal turns red. Then as he turned back towards her, he caught her looking at him. She looked away immediately.

He looked at her more closely now. She was wearing a black designer salwar with white print on it and a white bottom and a white chunni. There was nothing flashy about the dress probably he would have seen thousands of women wearing similar ones but never noticed. But looking at her wearing it, he felt as though it was tailor made just for her. She wasn’t wearing much make up either, he had always hated women wearing make up especially lip stick. Her lips were of perfect size not too big not too small and had a perfect shape too. There was a mole above the upper lip towards the left side. He had seen moles defiling faces before, but never seen a mole embellishing a face as it did in this case. Her nose was ok, in the sense it dint draw any particular attention. The timer showed 129 seconds.

His gaze now shifted to her eyes. His first impression was they were unreal. He had seen many eyes before (his own included in the mirror), that’s the first thing he notices when he meets or sees a person because he had always believed that eyes cannot belie one’s personality. Her eyes were all and nothing at the same time. They were like a mirror which shows you nothing of its own but only reflects. They were like a hologram which when viewed with different angles show different pictures. You can find joy, angst, love, hatred, indifference absolutely anything depending on what you want to see. He was so lost in her eyes that he dint notice her looking straight at him. He looked away from the eyes that were keeping him in a trance hoping to break the spell. The timer read 93 seconds.

He knew it wouldn’t be long before he would look back at her. When the timer read 80 seconds he casually turned in her direction. To his surprise she was still looking straight at him. She was taming the one strand of hair which had gone wild in the pleasant morning breeze. She had short hair which suited her face. She refused to look away this time. He was finding it very difficult to categorize the kind of look she was giving him. It wasn’t of pleasure that she was attracting looks, neither it was of anger that some guy was rudely staring at her nor it was of indifference for he fully knew that she was looking at him. He looked at the timer which read 48 seconds. He had never been curious as to what other people thought about him but it amused him when ever they told him what they thought. But this time he was curious to know what was she thinking about him. He would give anything to get a snapshot of her mind at this moment.

He knew time was not on his side. It wouldn’t be long before they crossed each other and would be gone forever. He thought of giving her a smile perhaps if he had any luck she would smile back and he wanted that picture to remain in his memory forever. But again he was apprehensive what if she finds his smile to be rude and change her look to some thing disgusting and he didn’t want that image to remain in his memory. When he was pondering over his indecision he saw movement on his side and the timer read 178. When he looked back at her she was already moving towards his side of the road. He too reluctantly moved ahead. When they were a couple of yards away from each other their eyes locked and he felt as if she was smiling though there was barely any movement of lips. He smiled back. They crossed each other. He looked back. She didn’t. He looked up at the heavens and thought to himself if God ever existed he must be a romantic.

P.S – This was guy’s side of the story. If some body wants to attempt the Girl’s side of the story go ahead and do it and I will post it on it on my blog with due credits.

Update (31/07/2006) - Soliloquist had written the Girl's side of the story, you can read it here

Pink - Part 2

“Hi Avi!!!!” And there she was all teeth. It’s very difficult to describe my first reactions when I saw her the way I saw her. She was all pink, literally!!! She was wearing this pink overcoat; I don’t remember properly the color of the top over which she wore the overcoat. She wore a knee length pink skirt and also pink sandals and she also carried a pink hand bag. I guess she also had this pink clip or rubber band to keep her hair in place. Its not that I hate pink or something but too much of anything is not going to keep you in pink health. This is the ninth time I have used pink inclusive of this sentence. Phew!!!

I mean these days pink is kind of a revelation. The other day I was reading this article in Metro Plus (it’s a supplement of Hindu news paper) about how pink is dominating the pack of colors. The article had this picture of Saif Ali Khan from Salaam Namasthe movie wearing a pink brief. The article spoke about how pink was considered to be a feminine color and only the likes of Govinda used to wear such colors in movies. But these days pink is recommended color whether you are going to a job interview or on a blind date. The reason given by the article was that pink reflects the sensitive nature of a person. It also said that you would improve your chances of your success if you wore pink. I say its holy crap. Anyway we digress from the topic.

“You are looking really pretty. “ I told her. She was all teeth again and I guess kind of blushed too if I remember correctly. “Where do you want to go?” I asked her. She was like you tell me. This is a big problem for me. I mean if she wants to shop then I am under the presumption that she knows where she wants to go. I was like your wish you tell me where you want to go and we will go there. Finally we went to the crossword (it’s a book store on Residency road). She got a pen for her best friend which had something fluffy at the back and yeah it was pink in color.

Then we had a really strange argument. She said she always gifts a person what she wants to and not sparring a single thought as to whether the other person likes it or not. I told her that I actually gift a person what he/she did not already have and what he/she would love owning it, that’s how my thought process works. She was like I will gift them what I want them to own. She said “for e.g. my brother doesn’t like T Shirts and never buys them hence when ever I buy any clothes for him I always buy him T Shirts so that way at least he would wear them.” After some amount of arguing we finally agreed to disagree.

Then out of the blue she said that she wants to buy something for me. She asked me what I wanted. This is another big problem for me. It’s a tricky predicament when somebody asks you what gift you want. There are thousand and one things which come to your mind but you can’t just tell some one that this is what I want for a gift, at least I couldn’t. So I asked her why she wants to buy a gift for me. She said for your Birthday dumbo (it was my birthday couple of weeks back then). After some time I knew I have to choose something for a gift. I asked for a couple of books to the shopkeeper and he said they were not available. I breathed a sigh of relief and told her probably some other time. She reluctantly agreed. She said we will go to Commercial Street to shop for clothes and we were on our way.

To be Contd…..

Pink - Part 1

There is this Gal in my company whom I met first during my training days. I was new to Bangalore during those times and the weekend after we got our first Salary she asked me whether I can accompany her to shopping precisely clothes. Being a ‘Mr. Nice Guy’ types (then) I agreed to go with her.

Before describing the course of events that took place on that day, I would like to describe the way I shop. Before going to shop for clothes I would decide exactly what I am going to shop. I would decide that I want 3 shirts of so and so color whether short sleeved or full sleeved and so and so trousers to go with them. I would decide how many of these trousers are going to be Jeans, Casuals and so. So when I enter a store I would just ask for those things and the moment I realize that these are what I want, I would buy them (of course after keeping an eye on the price).So my shopping lasts usually for about ten minutes that too if there is a queue at the cash counter. My best pal Rajesh would beat me here.

So we decided to meet on Brigade road in front of Mota Arcade (It’s a Mall on Brigade road) at precisely 11:00 AM (Those I days I used to wake up early by 10 AM). Another bad habit of mine is I never follow the Indian standard time of being half an hour late but she did. I don’t mind waiting too much but I definitely mind waiting on Brigade road that too on a Saturday. (It’s a pain to wait there, it’s too crowdy, too noisy for my liking). Besides the crowd, noise and pollution a gang of Chinese women were eyeing me – you know what I mean. I tried calling this female to know about her whereabouts but half the time it said Network Busy and the other times it said User busy.

Finally I get a call from her at 11:35 asking me where I was. I was very tempted to say that I was at home sleeping and actually escape from there before she turns up but you know being a ‘Mr. Nice Guy’ types has its share of problems. I said very politely that I was at the place agreed upon (without a hint of frustration). She says she is stuck in the traffic jam hence she couldn’t come on time; I was very tempted to tell her that being two weeks old in Bangalore I knew what Bangalore traffic was like and she leading all her life in Bangalore should have known better and started early but you know being a ‘you know who’ I told her that its not a problem at all. Finally she says she will be at the rendezvous point in another 2 minutes and hanged up.

The 2 minutes became 15 minutes. See when some body tells you that they will be there in 2 minutes you are mentally prepared to see them in 2 minutes and when 2 minutes become 4 minutes and then 6, 8 and 10 you slowly lose the expectancy factor and when finally the person turns up you act as if you never expected to see the person. That’s what happened when she finally turned up at 11:50AM. By that time the Chinese Gang also gave up on me and left to look at other avenues I guess.

“Hi Avi !!!!”

To be Contd…..

D-P Ratio !!!

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls and children of all ages, you are extremely fortunate to be reading this. I am going to introduce you to one of the most phenomenal tools ever discovered in the history of mankind. This going to change your life for good. You are never going to be the same again. Here I bring it to you the chosen ones - “D-P Ratio “.

Ok enough of publicity stunt. Am I not good at marketing? No? At least I did a good enough job of holding your attention till now which most of the TV commercials never manage to do.

So what is all this hype about D-P ratio? Let me explain it in Detail.

D-P is an acronym for Desire-Potential. D-P ratio can be calculated for every action of ours be it the job we do, the games we play, the relationships we are in, the subject we study etc. Each of our action is characterized by these two parameters Desire- How much we want to do a particular thing? Potential – How good are we at doing it?

Have you ever wondered why do you hate what you are doing? Why are you not able to do what you want to do? The answer ladies and gentlemen lies in D-P Ratio.

Let me explain further. For example consider me. I sit and do coding all day although I am not particularly fond of it. Hence here my desire for coding is less (say 5 out of 10). But I am extremely good at coding (say my potential for coding is 9 out of 10). Even though I may hate doing what I am doing but since I am extremely good at it I am not doing that bad in life (by whose standards? By societal standards. Not mine). Here my D-P ratio becomes 5/9 which is approximately equal to 0.56.

Now let’s consider this case. I very badly want to be a singer. Here my desire is say 10. But I am very bad at singing (ok not very bad but yeah a bit bad ;)). Hence my potential of becoming a singer is very less say 2. Hence my D-P ratio for becoming a singer becomes 5. If I were to choose a career as a singer, I am going to end up with a screwed up life.

Hence the ideal D-P ratio for any action should be 1. If it is equal to 1 then you would love doing it and at the same time you would be extremely good at it.

So to summarize:

If

D-P Ratio is 1 – Just do it. There is nothing like it.

D-P Ratio is < 1 – You would be good at it but you may actually not be happy doing it.

D-P Ratio is >>1 – Though you love to do this but you are not good at it. So it would be foolish to keep doing it-look for a change over or look at ways to improve your potential and bring down your D-P ratio.

This concept is applicable to every action of ours. So guys thank me for introducing you to such a life changing ratio (Ok I am back to my Narcissist best). Reap the benefits of this ratio. I am not demanding any royalty for it (as if I am going to get ;)). I would be happy knowing if at least one of you benefited from it (ok Avi don’t become senti now ;)).

And yeah before anybody can plagiarize it I am patenting this ratio. ;)

Random Thoughts

He was sitting in his rocking chair with one hand on the trigger of the semi automatic and the other hand holding an unlighted cigarette. He had been fired this morning from his job for not adhering to the policies of the organization. As the thought crossed his mind an indifferent smile appeared on his face. He should feel dejected but he was not, he should be angry for being fired for absolutely no fault of his but he was not, he should be gritting his teeth and plotting revenge but he was not. “What’s the matter with me?” he said to himself.

The room was pitch dark, all the curtains down, all the windows shut. He preferred darkness. It just gave him a sense of safety. He felt that nobody can see his pain, nobody can read his thoughts. He can see what he wants to see. He can create a rational world of his own. He doesn’t want to see what light reveals. He doesn’t want to see the ugly face of the world he is currently living in.

“Why the fuck am I alive? “, the frustration was apparent in his voice. Why can’t I just end it all right now? , just blow my brains out, what difference is going to make to anyone? Nobody would give a damn if I die right now, in this very second and why anybody should care. It’s been one hell of a ride since the day he had realized how futile one’s existence is. He had wondered since then, realizing what he had, can one just go on leading a “normal” life? Can one believe that his life had a purpose and his goal in life is to achieve that purpose? “If such a person exists, just show up and reach out to me and make me believe that it can be done ”, he yelled in a pleading tone.

All these days what had kept him from taking his own life had been the hope that it may be possible to lead a “normal” life after knowing what he knows. Maybe he is missing something, which he may realize at a later point of time. But today had been a bit too much. He just wants to end all this agony right then.

But then again he decides against it. Is it the hope or the fear of death he cant say, but he just could not bring himself to commit suicide. He pulls the trigger of the semi-automatic and lights the cigarette.

Tete-a-tete with a Mallu Gal

This is a lunch conversation I had with a colleague who is from Kerala. The conversation some how shifted to Malayali Kutti ;).

She : So you would marry a Mallu gal ?

Me : Yeah! Why not if I like her ?

She: So religion, state and language not a problem for ya ?

Me : Nope not a problem at all. I am an Atheist -so religion no problem, I am a Human - So state, country not a problem and Love is the universal language - so language no problem.

She : So you dont believe in God (with absolute disbelief on her face) ?

Me : Nope, I dont. Do you ?

She: Ofcourse, what kind of a question is that ?

Me : So why do you believe in God ?

She:(Silent)........

Me : Tell me why do you believe in God and make a believer out of me.

She:(Silent).......

Me : I am giving you a chance to convince me that I should believe in God.

She:(Silent) If I tell you why I believe in God , then you will believe in God and make other people non believers.(She walks out with her plate )

Me : $%^&*

Can anybody explain me what her last statement meant ?

The Reason - (3:52)

I'm not a perfect person
as many things I wish I didn't do
but I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
and so I have to say before I go
that I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
to change who I used to be
a reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
it's something I must live with everyday
and all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
and be the one who catches all your tears
that's why I need you to hear

I've found a resaon for me
to change who I used to be
a reason to start over new
and the reason is you
and the reason is you
and the reason is you
and the reason is you

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
and so I have to say before I go
that I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
to change who I used to be
a reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
a side of me you didn't know
a reason for all that I do
and the reason is you

The song above is by Hoobastank. Am in love with this song and listen to it umpteen number of times everyday. Guys you should listen to this song and the video is even better.

Irony

He stood there with arms wide open and looking towards the sky. It was hard to say whether he was welcoming the rain or awaiting a few answers as if they were to come from above. He liked the way the waves were caressing his feet, washing away the dirt deposited by the previous wave and adding some of its own. It was like dying and getting resurrected in the same moment. He badly wished if it were possible to wipe away the writings on one’s mind and start afresh.

He had convinced her to let go off her past.

He knew that Sagar loved her very much and they had been the best of friends for over 15 years now. He knew that no one could ever love her as much as Sagar did and she would be the happiest woman in the world if she were to marry him. They have had best of times together; they have shared every moment of their lives with each other and it would be poetic justice if they were to be together.

He had convinced her to accept Sagar’s proposal.

He hated playing God. He dint like the power he had, to change people’s lives. It’s a huge responsibility and at the same times a huge burden. If at all he dint knew Sagar and his love for her would he have convinced her to accept his proposal? Wouldn’t he himself…… He just shook his head as if it was futile to think on these lines. Things that are said may be forgotten but things that are unsaid may never be forgotten, had said one of his friends. How true he thought to himself. He knew that he had to let this moment of weakness pass very quickly because he can’t afford to be weak when he had been the symbol of strength for many.

He smiled to himself thinking about them.

The intensity of the rain has increased and he was no longer able to stare into the sky. He lowered his head and looked at the ocean. He loved the ocean right from his childhood. He had always thought that there are so many things that are common between him and the ocean. It’s accommodating nature, its expansiveness, its turbulence, he could relate to these qualities. He was thinking if ever the sky and ocean could unite? Or is it that they are never separated in first place? He dismissed that thought from his mind saying to himself that there is no time for such deliberations.

“Sagar……….”, shouted her voice. He turned back and started walking towards her.

Life !!!

Overcast Skies
Light Drizzle
Lightning
Thunder
Steaming hot coffee
Rocking chair
Smoke
Contemplative mood
Music

Awesome Combo isnt it ?

My Element

find your elementat mutedfaith.com.

Can marriage do this?

Ok, this post is about one of my friends in SAP (I work at SAP Labs India Bangalore). He is about to tie the knot this July. Have known him for 4 months out of which, 2 months he has been single and the other 2 months committed. I just want to depict the change in his attitude, pre commitment and post commitment phases. For the sake of protecting his identity lets keep his identity as ‘Mr. V’.

Mr. V – Pre Commitment phase.

Mr. V is best known among his friends as tanker. Let me elucidate the reason for this reputation. When he goes to the pub our man has the capacity to have 8 Vodka shots, 6 Whisky shots and 10 tequila shots all in a single outing, this earned him the well deserved name "Tanker". To complement his drinking prowess Mr. V used to smoke heavily too. He used to be our smoking supplier during training times. Now lets talk about his waking up habits. The bus comes to his place at 8:30 PM, our man happily wakes up at 8:20 PM and makes a run every single day (Am much better I wake up 15 minutes before the bus is dueJ). Our guy also had a crush during the training period which made him to quit smoking for the whole of 4.5 days (Ok if its whole then it has to be either 4 or 5 it cant be 4.5, so lets be generous and keep it on the higher side as 5). After 5 days our man was back to his smoking best. This was the status quo 2 months 12 days 5 Hrs 57 minutes back. Are you surprised as to how I know the exact timing; well it will be clear soon.

End of Pre Commitment phase.

Mr. V – Post Commitment phase.

Once our training got over he was shifted to a different office where as I was in the main campus, so dint have much of an interaction for 3 weeks or so. But a couple of days back I met him in the bus and we got talking. He said that he has quit smoking after he got committed to Ms R. When I asked him about drinking he said that he has got the permission from Ms R to drink once every two weeks (very generous of Ms R , isn’t it?). I asked him whether he needed to ask permission from her, then he replied that he was very happy asking permissions. For sometime I thought that he was joking but I soon realized that he was not. Then our man with the most saintly voice he could conjure up told me that when was I going to become a better person (What he meant was, when was I going to quit smoking and become a responsible person, what the hell, I am a responsible person, smoking doesn’t make me irresponsible.). Then our hero started rambling that it had been 2 months 10 days since he last met her (Now you know how I got the figure in the last paragraph). Now to Mr. Vs waking habits. He gets up at 5:30 and gets ready by 6:10 and gives her a wakeup call, all this because she wants to hear his voice before starting her day (How romantic , isn’t it?). He said that he makes 5 calls to her per day. When I remarked on the phone bills our hero said that he had stopped calling up all his friends hence the bill has not gone up remarkably.

End of Post Commitment phase.

Well honestly speaking I was speechless, I was rather shocked by the change in him. Am not really opposed to his quitting of smoke or drinks but the trigger is what bothers me. Why it bothers me? Well that’s a topic for another post?

Me Back !!

Was away to Mumbai for a week to attend my cousins wedding. A large post on that coming soon. Lots of things to convey, will positively write the post by tomorrow :)

Thoughts

He was awakened from his reverie when the fire reached the stub of the cigarette he was holding and burnt his finger. He immediately bought his finger near his lips and blew some air on the burn as if the air he blew would wipe away the wound from his finger. He started wondering what was he thinking but couldn’t remember it. He felt anger at himself for not being able to remember his own thoughts and the anger was even more justified because it was happening once too often. He has been getting complaints from people around him that he was preoccupied and he lives in his own world and he doesn’t pay too much attention to them. He already had 3 burns on the same spot. If somebody interrupts him and asks him what were he thinking he would say nothing in particular and the other person would get annoyed because they felt he was hiding some thing from them or he was not interested in speaking to them.

He crushed the cigarette under his feet as if reminding it who was the master. He slowly made his way to the wash basin and rinsed his burnt finger. The feel of the gushing water on his skin always calmed him down. Then he went back to the chair and lighted a fresh one. He is remembered of random conversations he had with some of the people around him. Not the entire conversations but bits and pieces of them. Some one said to him “You are so rude. You could have said that you won’t be joining for the dinner in a nicer way”, another sentence came to him “You lack human compassion otherwise how can you not miss any one “, then another “You are not human, I can’t see a human in you” and another “You have double standards.” He closed his ears tightly with both the hands hoping that these words would stop but they wouldn’t. He just got up from the chair and took a couple of steps. He liked to walk , he liked movement of any kind , he liked action because these thing remind him of the fact that he was still alive , at times he would crush the cigarette using his own fingers because the resulting pain would be a sign of life.

He couldn’t understand why these things were said to him but what bothered him was the fact that he was supposed to get hurt on hearing these things but he wasn’t. He had no passion for anything, he had no love for anyone, he had no goal to reach, he was not answerable to anyone, he was not responsible for anything, he had no desire to live nor he had any desire to die, he dint wish to create anything, he dint want to be remembered for ages to come, then what did he want? Just to exist? He thought of creating a pseudo passion, pseudo love, pseudo goal for himself and creating an illusory reason to live but again he doubted his ability to live a lie and discarded that possibility.

He was awakened from his reverie when the fire reached the stub of the cigarette….

If Men were from Venus and Women were from Mars – Part 1

The other day (Don ask me which day cos I don remember) I was just wondering, what life will be like if the behavior of men and women were interchanged. Few movie scenes came to my mind immediately.

One of them was from the movie Notting Hill, Hugh grant standing in front of Julia Roberts saying “Am just a boy standing in front of a gal asking her to love him”.

Another movie was Dev(i)das(i) imagine Aishwarya Rai drinking her way to death and Shahrukh Khan marrying Aruna Irani and Imran hashmi in the role of Madhuri Dixit.

Another movie was Spider(wo)man in which our own Angelina Jolie playing the lead role and Toby Maguire playing as her love. The scene at the end of part 2 will be like Toby Maguire telling to Jolie “Go get them Tigress “. And Sean Connery will be in the role of Aunt May, imagine him saying to Jolie “With great power comes great responsibility”.

Another hilarious movie was “When Harry met sally”. The scene which came to my dirty mind was – Sally faking an orgasm in the restaurant. I think this scene will be like Harry faking a b**w job. Will Harry Potter be named as Sally Potter? Ok that was a bad one.

Imagine Keanu Reeves being cast in clueless instead of Reese Witherspoon and Nicolas cage acting as the prince in the Prince(ss) Diaries. Madonna and Britney spears being cast in Brokeback mountain. Demi moore will act in “What (wo)men want”.

There are numerous other movies. There are lots of other areas to be explored apart from movies. Any ideas are welcome.

Weekend Updates !!!

Last week I had four days off, actually only 3 but I took one more day off to make it 4 in a row. Apart from that my quota of leave was also under utilized :). Its has been quite sum time since I have slept till afternoon, the reason for this being I have to wake up at 6:30 A.M to go to office everyday and during the weekends I have to wake up even more early to play cricket. But these four days I never got up before 12 PM :). All in all watched 8 movies in the four days :). Let me list the movies one by one.

1. Shawshank Redemption - Yeah yeah, I know . Better late than never.

2. Butterfly Effect - Dint get the head or tail of the movie during the first hour of the movie, but I never knew it was going to be worth the wait. I even called up the guy who suggested the movie and uttered unspeakable obscenities. But that guy since he has already seen the movie suggested that I be patient and watch it till the end. In the end I was like wow, what an amazing concept. Try to watch the movie when U get a chance and yeah don forget to watch it till the end.:)

3. Fantastic Voyage - This movie came up in sixties and for that time this movie has amazing graphics. The movie is based on one of the Asimov's books.The story of the movie is sum thing like this. There is a scientist wid the brain tumor and he is in coma. There is a technology to miniaturize a person. Hence what they do is miniaturize a submarine wid five people and injects the submarine into the blood stream of the victim. The idea is to get to the position of tumor using the artery and use laser beam to destroy the tumor. The catch is they can stay miniaturized only for 60 mins after that they start growing back to their old size. Whether they are successful in destroying the tumor or not, to find out that, go the nearest DVD renting shop and get yourself a Fantastic Voyage DVD.

4. Hotshots 2 - Absolutely hilarious. Spoof of Rambo with US politics and war on Iraq.

5. On the Line - This is a romantic comedy. This guy meets a gal on the train and they have some arbit conversation and after that she leaves. But later out hero realizes that he is love with the heroine but he doesn’t know anything about her. So what does he do, sticks posters asking her to call him on a particular number. Suddenly he gets calls from every desperate woman in the city. Does the girl respond and call him back? Do they happily live ever after? To know that keep an eye on the star movies schedule for the movie called “On the Line”.

6. Alien Vs Predator – Well supposed to be a horror flick but dint find anything horrifying in the movie. Wouldn’t say worth a watch.

7. Garfield - Just too good. Hilarious stuff.

8. Nature Unleashed Earthquake - Some crap.

Apart from these 8 movies, watched lots of sports, at least 10 games of foot ball, 20 hrs of cricket, and one formula one race and had lots of food.

Also went to Nandi hills one of these days to enjoy the sunrise, a post on that later.

In the coming week I am going to post about my experience wid a friend before and after he got committed. So watch out for the next post.

Does it make sense ?

I opened my Yahoo messenger today after a long time, one of the offline messages was as shown below.

"ladynatali_** (13/Mar/06 1:08:10 PM): the first time i saw you i dont i just found it im falling in love w/ you every night and day you are always in my mind .if you are willing meet me here my address analit mondano turning 28 in july im a certified single im a simple girl kind honest and responsible my address analit mondano purok 1 brgy. magsaysay kidapawan, city 9400 phils. one aggreement speak only tagalog if you are meet me in person . i love you very much take good care of yourself,. i love you i mish you "

Now to the post mortem of the message.

the first time i saw you ( I have never met anybody by that name ) i dont i just found it im falling in love w/ you ( Whats the bottom line is she in Love wid me or not ?) you every night and day you are always in my mind ( This a bit different instead of Day and Night our lady uses Night and Day, perhaps trying sumthing different or is it her idea of seduction).if you are willing meet me here my address analit mondano turning 28 in july im a certified single(Where do you get such certifications? I mean do you really get a certificate kinda thing with your name printed on it and a hologram with company's name on it so that it cant be faked? Do you get any benefits out of such certifications? how many levels are there ? How are the job prospects in U.S if u have this certification?) im a simple girl kind honest and responsible my address analit mondano purok 1 brgy. magsaysay kidapawan, city 9400 phils. one aggreement speak only tagalog($%^&@# ?) if you are meet me in person . i love you very much take good care of yourself,. i love you i mish you ( Mish ? I guess she means Miss, any way I got reminded of Mishti Doi - Its a Bengali dish , Is Analit a Bengali name ?)

P.S - I have represented the last two letters of her ID with stars just to protect her identity after all the poor female is in love wid me, you see she also mishes me.

GOD getting booed !!!!

" I was an atheist until someone told me that Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar was God."

The incident which triggered this post is Sachin getting booed by the Mumbai crowd last Sunday. But the desire to write this post has been there for quite sometime now. Some time back I was shocked, infuriated, frustrated and angered when I saw the head line "Endulkar?" I wanted to write this post then but I waited and the God answered my prayers when he played the most important role in winning the one day series against Pakistan and the entire media hailed his innings of 95 as one of the best innings ever played given the conditions. I was happy that the master has delivered and didnt see a necessity to write this post. But fews days later, now I see the God getting booed in his own backyard. Are these people crazy to expect that everytime the master goes to bat he must score a century. I agree that he played a loose shot , he shouldnt have got out the way he did but comeon people its just a mistake cant you forgive his one folly after all he has done for the Indian cricket. He has been playing international cricket for sixteen years now and there was a period when he carried the entire burden when there was nobody to support him he kept the spirits of people alive, he kept their faith in the Indian team alive, he dragged the crowds to the stadium and now you give him this, is this the tribute you pay to this great man. You might argue that he has not won as many games for India although he has all the records, now people tell me is it his fault if he plays and nobody around him plays remember cricket is a team game its not a one man show. I admit that he is no more his old self his game has evolved with time and years has taken a toll on his body. Probably this is the beginning of the end for him but he doesnt deserve the treatment he is getting now, just leave him alone and he will show you what he can do. Do you people think that India can win 2007 world cup without this man, if so check out the world cup statistics of Sachin and you will understand that India will come nowhere close to winning the worldcup without him. India needs this man and they cannot dispose him off as easiliy as they did it with Ganguly. Today is the fifth day of Mumbai test match how badly I wish him to remove that helmet and raise the bat to the pavillion and thank the skies. Yesterday I had another jolt when I heard that he would be out of one day series against the England with shoulder injury, these are not good signs, there is a possibility that there is little cricket left in him. So guys from now on when ever he comes to bat savour his batting as if he is never goin to bat again.

What a day !!!!

Whoa !!! What a day has been yesterday!!! A perfect sunday after a long time.

Highlights of the day:

1. Played Cricket in the morning and scored some runs after a long time :).

2. Indian tail did wag and hence a lead of 38 runs.

3. Five of England wickets fell yesterday ( Today India won the match).

4. Watched Iqbal on Sony Max, worth a watch, liked it very much.

5. Fernando Alonso won the Bahrain Grand Prix.

6. Was fortunate enough to watch one of the greatest Cricket matches ever played in the history of the game. South Africa won the match and the series against Australia. Number of records tumbled. Absolutely nail biting encounter.

7. Manchester United won against NewCastle united 2-0. Rooney score two goals.

8. Liverpool lost against Arsenal 0-2 . Not that am a Arsenal fan but since Liverpool are in the race for second place in the premiership and competing against Manchester United I wanted them to lose.

I was Euphoric after SA won the match, wanted them to beat Australia very badly. All the old memories (SAs defeat in the world cup semi final) came back flooding. I couldnt have asked for a better Sunday.

Choice Vs Destiny

People always tell me that life is a compromise and i always retort back saying that life is a choice. But i guess the answer lies somewhere in the middle. Neither everything is a compromise nor everything is choice. There are certain things which you decide by choice and there are certain things where you have no voice. For example I can definitely have my say in what am going to study, whom am goin to marry, how many kids am going to have (not always but most of the times) but I don have a say when it comes to nature-earthquakes, floods, weather etc. But I want to figure out to what extent are our lives governed by the choices we make. The majority of people believe that there is very little choice in life, they leave every thing to so called destiny. They always say that am destined to do my engineering, am destines to marry Miss J ( no this is not the J from previous post), am destined to do this and do that. The saddest part of such attitude is they never realize that there existed a choice and when they are unhappy during later part of their lives they blame it on destiny rather than taking ownership of the situation they are in. It works perfectly well fo them because they feel they have done nothing wrong and it all went wrong cos it was destined to go wrong. But the most important question would be is it right to live this way? When we are presented with a situation shouldn we rationally analyse it and figure out what choices we have got and see what are consequences of each choice and then select which suits the best. There are many advantages with this approach because one thing we are most of the times in control of our lives and these choices work the way we want them to in most of the cases and another thing is we can always rationally justify the choices we make if such a need arises. And ofourse there is always a danger of making a wrong choice but thats alright we can always retrospect as to what went wrong, this is atleast much better than not knowing why we are where we are.I believe that 90% times in life we have a choice and the rest probably is a compromise. There are so many things in life we can choose, we can choose what to study, where to live, to pick our friends, to choose the life partner, what kind of work we want to do etc. It takes a lot of courage to choose because some of the choices may not be time tested, they may not have any emprical weightage, but if your rational faculties say that its the best fit then why not go for it?

I donno who said this but I would like to quote a few lines.

"I wish I had the serenity to accept the things I cant change, Knowledge to change the things I can and wisdom to differentiate between the two."

What's their f^&*ing problem?

Moi went to Chennai last weekend after a long gap of 2 months. I just wanted spend a lazy weekend feasting on home made cuisines and basically just lazing around. I seriously had no plans of going to any relative's place. But moi mom dragged me along to moi granny's place, no matter of pleading, threatening helped she just emotionally blackmailed me saying that your grand mother is too old and she might pass away any day and I might regret not meeting her etc. I gave in saying that will go sometime in the evening and happily slept off where as moi mom left in the morning itself asking me to eat out :(. So much for the home made cuisines. Moi got up around 4 PM after sleeping at 10 AM :) and lazed around for sometime then realized that I cant escape and I have to go. Finally made to moi granny's place around 5:30 PM.

On going there I realized that its not as bad as I feared in to be, after all they were moi own people, ofcourse a lot of sweets and snacks helped the cause though :). Moi granny was asking me all sorts of questions ranging from Pay package to girl friends. I assured her that i dont have any girl friends and she appeared to be happy on hearing this. I just hoped that she wouldnt pick up the topic of marriage and for a change she dint.:). Finally went to Aunt's place where mom was supposed to be and I thought the ordeal was over without much fuss( not knowing what awaited me at my aunt's place).

Went to Aunt's place exchanged a few pleasantries and then it all began. Moi cousin that bugger who is two yrs younger to me is getting married in a couple of months. So aunt asked me what are moi plans about tying the knot. I said I havnt thought about it hoping that it wouldnt be probed further. Then moi other aunt ( moi mom has 3 sisters) was like we will have to look for a gal who is also working so that she wouldnt get bored when am at office other wise she will just run away and everybody started giggling as if it were a joke. Then she said that there is a girl called Miss J and she also had done her engineering ( mind you its very rare in our community i.e Jains for a girl to study beyond 12th) and she also has plans of working etc. I repeated I havent thought about marriage as of now before I could complete the sentence, moi another cousin's wife started shouting that Miss J is too fat and she wont be a good match for me. For that moi aunt replied that she was fat before but not now. Moi mom also pithed in saying that she had seen Miss J some 8 yrs back( probably she would have been 13 at that time) and she was very pretty with her small face. Then they just sat there and were discussing about my marriage ,my gal, my life as if I were non existent. When they were busy arguing whether Miss J is a good match for me or not, I inconspicuosly slipped out of the room and was finally at peace.

This is not the first time that it had happened and I fear nor will this be the last time. Its a good topic of conversation for them and they take it upon as their responsibility to set me up. Will have to plan something so that these conversations dont happen too often. Thinking of creating a illusory Girl friend and letting them know that am already committed so that these conversations can stop.

Unwell

This song is by a band called Matchbox 20. Its an amazing song very well sung. Try to listen to it when you get a chance.

ALL DAY
STARING AT THE CEILING MAKING
FRIENDS WITH SHADOWS ON MY WALL
ALL NIGHT
I'M HEARING VOICES TELLING ME
THAT I SHOULD GET SOME SLEEP
BECAUSE TOMORROW MIGHT BE GOOD
FOR SOMETHING

HOLD ON
I'M FEELING LIKE I'M HEADED FOR A
BREAKDOWN
I DON'T KNOW WHY

I'M NOT CRAZY I'M JUST A LITTLE UNWELL
I KNOW RIGHT NOW YOU CAN'T TELL
BUT STAY AWHILE AND MAYBE THEN YOU'LL SEE
A DIFFERENT SIDE OF ME
I'M NOT CRAZY I'M JUST A LITTLE IMPAIRED
I KNOW RIGHT NOW YOU DON'T CARE
BUT SOON ENOUGH YOU'RE GONNA THINK OF ME
AND HOW I USED TO BE

SEE ME
TALKING TO MYSELF IN PUBLIC
AND DODGING GLANCES ON THE TRAIN
I KNOW
I KNOW THEY'VE ALL BEEN TALKING 'BOUT ME
I CAN HEAR THEM WHISPER
AND IT MAKES ME THINK THERE MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG
WITH ME

OUT OF ALL THE HOURS THINKING
SOMEHOW
I'VE LOST MY MIND

TALKING IN MY SLEEP
PRETTY SOON THEY'LL COME TO GET ME
THEY'LL BE TAKING ME AWAY

I Shall think of you when tears are hard to comeby

Passion or the lack of it

How important is passion to ones life? I have been haunted by this question for quite some time. I have this nagging feeling that am not passionate about anything in life. I have this attitude of sab-kuch-chalta-hain which am not very sure if its a good attitude to have. When ever am haunted by this question I console myself saying that its just a matter of time before i discover my passion. But there is another side of me which asks me what if I don find my passion and it doesnt feel good when I confront such a question. I can always create a psuedo sense of passion like many other people but my code of life which I live by doesn allow me to do so. But I personally believe that being passionate about some thing is very important to celebrate ones existence, it could be anything, could be work, music, people or anything else. Its kinda gives meaning to your life, purpose to your life without which it would be a lie if I say I am alive. Without passion it feels like you are on a slippery ground with absolutely nothing to hold on. You might fall anytime and never be able to getup. These days I feel am not attached to anything in this world, I hardly feel any emotion, I am very quiet for larger periods of time and when I try to break the silence I feel that a part of me is had been detached and its mockin at my effort. I hope I find my footing soon before its too late.