catch 22

One Band - One Song

2009-10-12T06:01:00.000-07:00

Using only song *titles* from one artist, cleverly answer these questions:

Pick a band/artist: MLTR

1. Are you a male or female: The Actor

2. Describe yourself: Sleeping Child

3. How do you feel about yourself: Eternal Flame

4. Describe your ex boyfriend/girlfriend: Angel Eyes

5. Describe your current boy/girl situation: Crazy Dream

6. Describe your current location: Stuck in the heart

7. Describe where you want to be: Final Destination

8. Your best friend is: Strange Foreign Beauty

9. Your favorite color is: Out of the blue

10. You know that: Love will never lie

11. What’s the weather like: Take off Your Clothes

12. If your life was a television show what would it be called: Wild Women

13. What is life to you: Sweetest Surprise

14. What is the best advice you have to give: I Walk This Road Alone

15. If you could change your name what would you change it to: Hot to Handle

Of Relationship Statuses and Traders

2009-10-12T06:00:00.000-07:00

Single - A wannabe player in the market.

Married - Took a position and is married to it. Keep feeding in the money to maintain the position because he cant accept his call can be wrong. You need deep pockets for this and hope you dont lose it all on the margin calls.

Engaged - Bought a call option hoping that the underlying will go up in the future. But easily gets fooled by temporary rallies and becomes married to the position.

In a Relationship - Not trading with actual money, using a simulation system.

Its complicated - Dont understand the terms of the contract. Just invests where ever the portfolio manager asks to. Wants to proclaim to the world that he is a player but doesnt understand a thing about the vagaries of the market. Potential to get fucked, huge.

In an Open Relationship - OTC contract, differs from party to party.

Widowed - The position he was married to was either auctioned off because he couldnt make the margin calls or the underlying went bankrupt.

Of Arranged Marriages and Risk Appetites

2009-10-12T05:58:00.000-07:00

Encouraged by the response I got on the last note, here comes some more "Geeky" stuff. I got a few private messages calling me a "Geeky loser", but lets not get discouraged by them, shall we? But before I delve into this next "insight", I need to confess that I doubted the accuracy of the tag "Geeky loser". Loser, yeah...but Geeky? So I Wikied (has that term been drafted into English Language yet? if not it should be, because once you google a term, Google asks to Wiki it anyway) the term "Geek", this is what I got: ,/p>

"The word geek is a slang term, noting individuals as a peculiar or otherwise odd person, especially one who is perceived to be overly obsessed with one or more things including those of intellectuality, electronics, etc. Formerly, the term referred to a carnival performer often billed as a wild man whose act usually includes biting the head off a live chicken, bat, snake or bugs."

I dont think I am a peculiar or an odd person. I am just a little passionate about (not obsessed with) intelectuality, mathematics, electronics, finance and economics. Well to my defense all I have to say is I am a Vegetarian (who likes to eat ROASTED Chicken once in a while). I consider myself more of an interdisciplinarian (I think there are enough Is and Ns in there). So Jury is still out on this.

So coming back to the insight I promised, I was having a conversation about marriages (yeah thats what losers do, they talk about it) with one of my friends recently. We were generally disussing about the expectations a man and woman have of each other in a marriage. Then I had a revelation (not too dramatic eh? I thought I would go for the "Eureka" term, but again thought it to be cliched. You know a lot of my women friends tell me that my problem is I think too much, I still couldnt get what problem were they talking about, but again we digress). So where were we? yeah the revelation. I think the type of a marriage a person prefers has got a direct relation to his risk appetite.

The type of the marriage being Arranged, Love or Unmarried. A person who is risk averse would prefer an arranged marriage the same way he would prefer investing in risk free securities or low risk/low return securities. Pretty much all the arranged marriages come with a set of predefined expectations, the way government bonds come with a fixed rate of return. Ofcourse on a few rare? occasions, expectations are not met akin to interest rate environment going haywire, but are generally considered low risk/riskless at the time of entry. Hey even if the expectations are not met, its not like you did fundamental research and calculated VaRs before you bought government bonds, you just trusted the Monetary policy to keep the regime stable, the same way you trust your parents in case of an arranged marriage to find you a "stable" partner.

Now here comes our next set of Investors, my personal favorites - the risk lovers. They just love the rush of gambling. They would do all the funadamental research, look at all the technical indicators and are convinced of a sure bet where their returns would keep on growing. These kind of people would mostly prefer a love marriage, they would love to go through the whole process of wooing/being wooed, going out on dates, fighting the parents, coming out on top (debatable?). The way these investors prefer a high return, their expectations are also pretty steep. How can they be let down, when they have invested so much physically, emotionally and financially? So more often than not these investors are quite adamant and in denial mode. I am not saying they would lose always, just the way some love marriages do seem to work. Another possibility of a "happy ending" is they die young with out reaching the wreckage at the end of the tunnel.

Our third set are the people who want remain Unmarried. These guys are loss averse. They would rather keep their money in vaults and wait to be robbed by thieves or inflation than invest in something. Its a super good philosophy guys, isnt it? you would rather hold on to your chips than sit on a table and play a hand, that way you could never lose. Flash news anti-losers, you can never win either. These guys would sit on a high pedestal and frown on institutions like marriage. "You lowly beings, I dont need you, I am self-sufficient. Marriages and Markets are for suckers, not for an evolved being like me."

Phew I dint realize I had written so much. But whats the use of this wisdom (no? think again!). Well it can be used by Financial Institutions to target right kind of customers for right kind of products. All you need is their view on marriage. Imagine how easy it would be to segment and target. So a Customer walks in, your business intelligence software pops a message "Love marriage", and you are like "Hello Sir, we have these amazing high return products for you sir, with the markets expected to reach unprecedented highs....", there the deal is done. Another customer walks in, another popup "Arranged Marriage", and you are like "Hello Sir, we have some amazing low risk fixed income products, with markets being volatile its the best place to park your money.....", there another sucker falls for it. Some guy walks in, another popup "Unmarried", and you are like "Er...this is a bank sir, where do you need to be?". Imagine how easy business would be.

I need to be paid for this.

Losing My Religion - Cricket

2009-10-12T05:55:00.000-07:00

As a kid I was extremely passionate about cricket. I loved watching and playing cricket. I still do but not with the same intensity as those yester years. All my heroes, role models were cricketers. I used to have huge fights at home to get my slot on TV to watch cricket. I used to dream about me raising my bat to a packed stadium or clean bolwing an opponent batsman. I used to relegate my studies, my sleep to back ground to watch a match. The only times I cried as a kid were when Sachin used to get out early in a match. I wept uncontrollably when Sachin got out during the test match against Pakistan in Chennai. I couldnt hold back my tears when South Africa lost to Australia in 1999 world cup Semi Finals.

The only time I ever got hurt was playing the game. I broke my wrist while trying to attempt an acrobatic piece of fielding. I banged by hand into a rusted aluminium door just practising my bowling action and ended up with six stitches. I have been hit on the eye, in the groin, have gone home limping with twisted ankles, swollen knees. Even when I had the broken wrist I still held the bat with one hand and played. For a long time the only news paper pages I read were from the sports section. The only magazine I bought was Sportstar. I used to cut pictures of Sachin and had a scrap book made out of it.Such was the passion I had for the game. It was my life, it was my dream. I always knew that I could never take it up as a career because I knew my talent at the game was limited. But again talent and passion are two different things.

The days on which India Vs Pakistan matches were on used to be much more special. The frenzy used to begin atleast a week before the match. Since those matches were very rare, they used to be savoured more. I used to argue with my skeptical friends who used to think that India and Sachin were no good. Once I even got into a fist fight when some one said Sachin was useless. During the whole week before the match all my thoughts, discussions were full of team selection, what should India do if we win the toss? who will be man of the match? And I could hardly sleep on the eve of the match. During the match itself, you would find the streets empty, you would find crowds gathered around a radio to hear the commentary. Every run used to be cheered, every boundary sent crowds dancing whether at the stadium or at their homes. Fathers and Kids used to be glued to the TVs and moms used to make hot pakodas. I used to go to the temple on the day of the match and pray for a Sachin century. I think when I was a kid I never asked anything for myself from God but I always asked for a Sachin century. I am sure a lot of Indian Middle class can relate to the picture I am painting. The bottom line being Cricket was my religion and Sachin Tendulkar was my God.

Now when some one mentioned that it was India Vs Pakistan match tomorrow. I was like ok. It wasnt even on my mind's radar. I was kinda taken aback at my apathy for the game. This is the game I breathed for 22 years of my life, this was my life's blood. What happened? I think my passion for the game started waning after I got out of Engineering college. Once I started working my interests started to diversify. I discovered my appetite for reading, I was in love with a woman, my thoughts more shifted towards career, what should I do next? whether I should study further or I should work? Does she loves me? The mind was filled with these questions rather than who is going to be the man of the match in tomorrows game. I still used to be glued to the score card on cricinfo refreshing when ever I could, but I guess the change started then.

Its been 5 years since I passed out of college and today I feel I have almost become indifferent to the game. The other day I was watching India vs SL ODI and I watched it for sometime and once Sachin got out I shut the TV and started surfing the net. I dint even know the result until next day some one told me that India had lost the match. I initially thought I had lost that competitive spirit, I some how grew out of this sporting frenzy. But its not true I still watch football and support ManUnited passionately, I love tennis more than ever before. But some how Cricket has lost its favour with me. Is it the reducing attention span with increasing age? or something else? I do not know. But I feel as if I have lost a part of me. The fanatical, passionate, irrationally optimistic me is dead along with my interest for cricket. RIP.

Strange games, God plays !!!

2009-10-12T05:51:00.000-07:00

At times I feel, God if he exists is a very sadistic guy. He takes pleasure in humans' miseries. Please dont tell me that He is testing us and also dont tell me when he shuts one door, He always opens another one. He just enjoys inventing new ways to torture his greatest creation, us, human beings. Is it His way of asserting His superiority, reminding us that we are nothing but puppets and He holds all the strings? What about He giving us a great gift of freewill and all? Its all a big farce, nothing but hogwash I tell ya. Dont tell me this is a way of teaching us to be humble, humility is overrated anyway. No wonder so many people lose faith in God at some point of time in their lives. Please dont tell me that the night is darkest before dawn. I am in no mood to listen to such inanities.

What pleasure does He get when He makes one person to love another and the other person to love another? All this marriages are made in heaven and each and every one of us being made in pairs is bull shit. It sounds good to people who have found their "soul mate", what about the man who persued a woman for 3 years, spent one year with her and on the day he tatooed her name on his body, she gives him a call saying its all over? What about the man who is madly in love with this woman, goes out of his way to bring her joy in every way possible and she rejects him for being not interesting? What about the woman who writes poetry for this man, but all he does is let her down every single time? What is it if not being sadistic?

Lets cut some slack here for God, alright? May be as Agent Smith says in Matrix, human beings as a species define reality through misery and suffering. Maybe we are not wired to be happy or contented. We always run behind an elusive dream but never take notice of what we have. Maybe if we become contented and happy, we would realize the futility of life sooner rather than later. Maybe misery and suffering are essential for the survival of our species. Maybe we are destined not to reach the 5th level of Maslow's hierarchy. Maybe the grand scheme is to keep us occupied in pursuing happiness but never let us find it. Because from what I have heard and reason out once you get at the top, there is nowhere to go. You are filled with a huge void and realize that you have spent your whole life, all your energy, made quite a few sacrifices to get here and all that awaits you is this black hole.

If the above is true, Kudos to you God. You are playing the game very well. Maybe since I am a pawn in this chessboard, I am not able to see the holistic picture. But I kind of get the sense of Your choices now. You care for the survival of our species, though I cannot understand why. Arent You bored of us? Because we are bored of You and life. Dont You want to make something else for Your entertainment? What happened to the creator in You? Are You short of ideas or the pleasure of making us squirm too good to give up? Come on speak up, will Ya? Be a man, give me some answers, I believe I am entitled to them.

Deal Breakers !!!

2009-10-12T05:49:00.000-07:00

She: You know, I have been wanting to tell you this for a long time. (looking hesitant)
He : What is it sweet heart? (Still not taking eyes off the monitor, playing Mafia Wars on Facebook)
She: I dont know how to say this. I am a little afraid how you will react. Promise me, you wont be angry with me. (sounding hopeful)
He : Come on sweet heart, you know that you can say anything to me. Its been 20 years since we have been together and you are still hesitant to speak up to me. Plus how can I promise not to get angry when I dont even know what you are going to say. (looking quizzical)
She: I know, its a little too much to ask, but for my sake cant you just make that promise. If you promised that you wont get angry I would be more confident about telling it to you because I know that you would keep your word at any cost. (pleading)
He : {Sighs, Oh boy, she knows me inside out} Fine, I promise I wont get angry with you.
She: You are such a Darling, I love you. (looking relieved)
He : So, what is it? (sounding impatient)
She: I believe, I have broken your trust in a big way. You believed that I was this honest woman who means what she says. Who would never lie to you about anything. But I have lied to you and have been living that lie for a long time now. (sounding despondent)
He : What have you done sweety? Is there another man? (raised eyebrows)
She: I know you would easily forgive me if that were the case like you did a few years back. Its much worse than that. I dont know whether I even should be confessing this to you. I dont know what good would come out of it. You would probably even laugh about it, but knowing you I doubt that. But I need to do this because I am having night mares living this lie.(holding back tears now)
He : (Stands up, comes by her side and puts a shoulder around her) Please dont cry now. You know how I cant handle it when you cry. I already promised you I wont get angry. If its troubling you so much, please let it out. It would make you feel better. (sounding concerned)
She: (sobbing) You remember the day (sob sob) when you first met me at my hostel room (sob sob)...
He : Yeah I do, what about that day? (sounding really patient)
She: (sobbing) How you were impressed (sob sob) looking at all the books on the bookshelf (sob sob) and also the IQ certificate framed on the wall (sob sob)....
He : Yeah I remember, it showed a score of 160, what about it sweet heart? It was so long ago, why are you talking about that day? (looking confused)
She: Well, (sob sob) that room was not mine, it was my friend Shruti's room...(sob sob), I never read any of those books (sob sob) and my IQ is 98 (sobbing harder)

(instinctively takes away his arm from her shoulder. Looking shattered. A lot pieces fall in place. Things which have troubled him over the years suddenly start making sense. Why she was never excited when he talked animatedly about this great philosophical revelation he had? or Why she would always uncertainly smile at his jokes hoping that they were jokes? or Why his Kids always got less marks in Science and Maths? He stands up, but still lost in thought)

She: (Sobbing much harder now) Please dont get angry, you promised that you wont. I am really sorry about it, see if I dint tell you about it, you would have never known. I thought it was better late than never to tell you the truth. Can we put this behind us? please (begging)
He : (looking stiffened) How can you do this to me? How will I ever fulfill my evolutionary destiny? (he just got vasectomized a few months earlier, his thoughts already turning towards reversal). Oh my God, I cant believe what I am hearing. All my discussions with you, all the laughs we had together every thing was a lie. I want a Divorce. This is a deal breaker. (storms out of the room)

Vestiges of a dying Romantic

2009-09-04T13:42:00.000-07:00

Arms wide open, looking in the eye of rain, going round and round, losing touch with the reality; are these signs of happiness? Even though the pleasure might be fleeting, but I did feel giddy for a moment. Was that because I was happy or because I went round and round? my mind questions. Its been quite some time since I have felt that. I still remember the last time I felt that way, though it dint last for long but it remains etched in my memory. I recall that when ever I need strength, when ever I doubt my capacity to experience joy. I say to myself "Hey, I did feel that !!!", I could do it again some day. This day has been coming for quite sometime. Does it vindicate my existence? Does it pacify all the pain and suffering? Does it justify those lonely nights spent smoking and wishing this day would come sooner than later? These are the questions which i am faced with.

The source of this fountain of joy is again a woman. Why am I not surprised at this? You know, a woman can make you feel that way. If she hasnt already, she will some day, take my word for it. Every man needs to experience this atleast once in his life, that will appease his existential angst for some time. It will serve as a beacon during the nights of utter hopelessness. I am going to such an extent as to say that when life seems futile one can aspire to light that beacon again. There you go, I have said it, thats the meaning of life. But there is a melancholic texture to this joy I feel which is different from the last time. Then I wanted it to last, wanted to do everything in my power to hold on to it like if I let it go I would slip into an abyss. But this time I am aware (more mature? ) that I cannot hold on to it forever, that its fleeting and I am already in an abyss. My desire for it to last still rages. Does it lessen the joy? No, it makes it more precious, more invaluable.

A woman can level you with her eyes you know. She just have to glance at you and you feel your heart flutter. You are aware of every movement of her's. You are overwhelmed with her presence. She grows so big that she fills your existence. You just want to freeze that moment and keep staring at her. You lose sight of everything around you. You are desparate for her to deign in your dreams. You feel a pang of jealousy whenever she flashes that charming smile to another man. At times you look like a fool trying to attract her attention. Ah the joy of being able to feel jealous, the joy of looking like a fool, the joy of feeling vulnerable again, how I missed that all these years. Its like being a child again. This must be return to innocence.

Is that love? What else could it be? You know love is just a word, you can attribute to it any meaning you want to. Its something so personal that at times even the object of your "love" cant grasp the meaning of it. The best thing about it is nobody can take that away from you, like hope. It doesnt even have to be reciprocated. Its like it happened and the way past cant be reversed, the impression it leaves cannot be erased. Nothing or nobody can take away that moment from you. Not even you. The balloon will burst but the consequences are immaterial. The rest of your life can be one big bore but hey, you did experience this moment. You were there, fully soaked in the rain and the happiness. You did feel that high and the rest of your life can be spent trying to relive it again and again.

P.S - If not in Life, atleast in writing.....

Now where was I ?

2007-08-26T15:24:00.000-07:00

Yes, am still alive and kicking, infact strangely so. I never thought it would be this way, I never thought I would update my blog again, but here I am on a Monday morning 4 o clock writing this. For starters I quit my job couple of months back and have joined WIMISI (Wellknown Institute of Management In Southern India) to pursue my degree in Management and its been one helluva ride since then. I knew what I was getting into, I had no qualms then, I would like to say neither do I have any now. So why did I do what I did ? Well I would like to say that I did so because I have always wanted to do it or perhaps if i say that i always knew I was born to do it, that would be a passable answer too but alas as always the truth is something else and not so socially acceptable. Nah now is not the time to dwell into that, I have the next 2 years to do that. I promise to be irregular and post at times which can only be predicted by a random number generated but yes I promise you some really interesting and 'Deep' stuff which would shake the ground beneath your feet, no ? Think again.

Mulaqaat - A meeting - Part 3

2007-05-07T07:46:00.000-07:00

@ the coffee place

( They both have been carefully treading the path as to not to get onto touchy issues. They both can feel the air thickening between them. They get seated at a vacant table overlooking the street.)

"Is smoking allowed here ? " ( He asks knowing very well that how much she hated smoking hoping to see some kind of resentment on her face that he has not given up on the habit)

"Yeah I guess so " ( She calls the waiter and gets it confirmed that it is allowed. He takes out a ciggy and is searching for a light.)

" They took the match box when I boarded a flight. Do you by any chance have a light ? " ( He again expected her to burst out but she dint instead she did something really strange. She took out her zippo and lighted his fag.) .

(To say he was shocked would be an understatement and he dint make any effort to conceal it either)

" Dodo what happened ? You look like a baby in a topless bar. Ha ha."

" When did you start smoking? "

" An year back, why what happened ? Amnt I allowed to smoke ?"

" Nope nothing like that, you know you have changed a lot"

" Just to quote you, People change and thats the only thing that doesnt. So in what ways have I changed "

" I mean (he stutters) look at you, you are no longer the Shruts I knew once. You look totally different, your behaviour is totally different. You smoke, you are married, you have a kid. You are not the vulnerable woman seeking reassurance from me anymore "

(There is still only amusement on her face)

" Ok, am sorry. I shouldnt have said that. Its just that I am a bit unsettled at finding you like this all of a sudden"

"Its ok Av, not a big deal. And I dont blame you either because am a lot more different than what you last saw me. I have changed, my attitude towards life has changed. I did make a few choices then though i was not convinced that they were the right ones, but on hindsight they have turned out quite well. I am a successful professional, a loving wife and a good mother to my child and I couldnt have asked for more from my life." ( She flashes her condescending smile)

(His male ego was swirling by this time. He was getting a taste of his own medicine and it was bitter. She was using the standard responses which he once used. He dint like being on this side of table.)

"But are you happy sweets ? " ( He asked in his most considerate voice)( There was just a brief moment before she responded and in that moment he felt he saw a flicker of doubt cross her face or he must have imagined it.)

" Ofcourse I am, what kind of question is that ?"

" I dont mean to offend you or anything, but its just that I want you to be genuinely happy. I just hope that you havent fallen prey to Aposteriori-Justification syndrome. Just because one cant change one's choices which have already been made one tries to justify that they are the rite ones. You know what I mean..."

" You silly, there is nothing like that you are reading too much into things. Its plain and simple I am happy (flashing her beatific smile). "

(Sipping his coffee) " Ok, as you say ( shrugging his soldiers). I would take your word for it. ( he actually smiles the first time for the evening)"

( Her Cell phone rings. She mumbles something like I will be there in 10 mins)

" Ok Av, I gotta leave now, the baby sitter said she have to leave in some time so I need to be getting back home. "( She is opening her purse)

"Hey Carry on, The treat is on me. Cya around sometime."( He smiles)

(She gathers her things and is leaving)" Ok Av, Bye. This is my Card it has got my number. It was nice meeting you after so long."

"Bye Shruts."( He somehow felt that he no longer has the right to call her sweets)

(She leaves. He is waiting for his credit card. The waitress arrives, he tips her handsomely. Collects his baggage and makes way out of the restaurant. He feels a bit cold as he enters the street. He sees a huge crowd gathering a few yards away. He can see an Ambulance rushed to the place. He thinks that there must have been an accident. He has always been amused as to why people gather around the accident spot. Is it amusement for them ? Then he discards that idea that people are not that sadistic. Probably just to know that if the victim is somebody they know. He never felt the urge to rush to the spot . As he neared the spot they were carrying the stretcher into the ambulance. The purse caught his eye. No it cant be her. A million thoughts racing through his mind. He slowly approached the stretcher and just peeked at the face on it. He couldnt believe it. She was a bloody mess. He couldnt control the scream that welled up inside him. )

"Sweeeeetttttttttttsssssssssss".

" Yeah dodo. whats the matter with you? Why are you shaking ?"

(He was confused for a few seconds. Then realization dawned upon him. Bloody hell it was just a bad dream.)

"You ok, Av ?"

"Yeah am fine."

" Then get up dodo and get ready, Sid and Niru will get late for school. Come on now get your lazy bum up."

" You are missing something sweets. You know a way to get me up from the bed, why dont ya try it ? "

"Ofooo grow up Av. You still not a kid but a father of two." (He dint give any sign of relenting)

"Ok fine come to the kitchen You will get what you want."( She says teasingly and escapes his advancing hands).

" Come on Tiger, come and get me."(He hears her from outside the room, he winces at the word Tiger, but what the hell, he runs after her. He loves this every morning ritual.)

P.S - Am sorry for posting it so late...was really busy with things.And I had tough time to give it a happy ending.

P.P.S - Why do I have this compulsive desire to Kill people in my stories. Is there a name for this kind of fetish ??

Mulaqaat - A meeting - Part 2

2007-04-19T01:33:00.000-07:00

Continued from previous post......

He was curious as to how her life might have shaped up. He wanted to know how she was doing. He paced quickly towards her and when he was a couple of yards away from her, he called

"Hey Sweets, is that you ?"

(She stops in her tracks, turns around with an expression which seems like a collage of shock and surprise)

"Hey Av, what are you doing here ?"

"Oh my God, I cant believe this, its been ages" he says.

( His eyes are fixed on to her as if he is seeing her for the first time and trying to imprison her in his eyes, she can feel his gaze upon her and its making her feel uncomfortable)
"No dodo, its been 4 years and (looks at her mobile) almost 3 months (and flashes her i-rritated-you smile) "

"Yeah yeah, when have I ever been good with numbers. So how come here ?"

"I live here (Shrugging her shoulders), I have never seen you here before."

"Oh you live here!! So what does your husband do ? I came here on work."
(He secretly wishes, please tell me am not married, please get angry with me for asking such a stupid question, please shout at me for thinking that she would get married to somebody else)

"Oh him, He has setup practice here, he is a dentist."

(Fighting hard to keep his disappointment away from his voice)
"Oh thats so kewl, so you still with the same old job eh ?"

"Nah, I have to take care of Sid, he is still a toddler, So i took a sabattical from work. So whats happening with ya? Did ya find that one ideal women which you were always looking for (she couldnt help sounding sarcastic)

(Averting her eyes) " Yeah, I met her fine but you know what the best part is, I managed to tie the knot and we are blessed with a beautifu daughter. We named here Nirali "

" Oh, so finally u managed to name your daughter Nirali, eh ? "

" Yeah the same way you managed to name your son Siddharth" ( He couldnt keep a straight face while lying to her, He is a pretty good liar but he somehow feels she would always find out if he lies. One's eyes always gives one away when lying and at one point in time she could read him with eyes closed, he wonders whether she can still do that.)

"I am so happy for you. I always told you that you will meet the one woman wou always wanted to be with. " (She has this genuinely happy smile on her face which irritates him and makes him feel guilty about lying. He wanted to see disappointment in her face on hearing that he belonged to another woman now but all he could see was mirth.)

(Yeah rite !!!) " Now do you have to bring in those I told you SOs?" (Visibly irritated)

"Hey, why you getting so touchy about it ? I am just happy for you thats all. So tell me more about your gal"

" Ok, forget it. What abt my wife? She is the prettiest woman I have ever met ( He has always told her that she was the prettiest woman ever born, He hoped to see her dejected when he told her that he finds another woman prettier than her, but no change on her face.) She understands me quite well and shes a very nice person to talk to. She is a very good mother and what else (Shrugs his shoulders). Do you know a place where we can have a good cup of coffee here, it would be great if you can accompany me."

(She looks at her watch) " Yeah sure just around the corner theres a nice Cafe, we get pretty good Cappuccino out there."

(She starts walking in that direction and he takes a couple of quick steps to catch her up)

To be continued (at the coffee shop ;))

Mulaqaat - A meeting - Part 1

2007-04-16T11:57:00.000-07:00

He recognized her at once by her gait. She always had a distinct gait for a woman and he always used that to make her out in a crowd. Its been 6 years since he last saw her. She has changed quite a bit in that time. If not for her walk he would have missed her. She had put on a bit of weight, he always used to tell her that she was too skinny and she would look prettier with few more pounds. Her coiffure looks a bit different, more trendy than what she used to have. She was sporting this capri and a black T . He has always remembered her wearing a salwar. Its amazing how you always have a picture of people in your mind, how you capure their existence in your memories and expect them to remain that way for eternity.

The memory of their first meeting is still fresh in his mind. How he had accosted her and though she was hesitant initially it dint take long for her to open up. He has always wondered at his ability to accost any stranger especially women and within minutes make them feel at home. They discussed everything under sun. She devised a point system to see how many of their interests match and they kept count of it for a couple of days but after that it was too much of an effort to maintain it. He still chuckles when he thinks of what her first impression of his was. She thought he was just one of those women chasers. They both laughed when she told him this.

He had liked many women before he met her but with those women it was always the physical attraction. She was the first woman with whom the physical aspect never entered his mind not that she wasnt pretty but somehow he was never able to find a satisfactory answer as to why so. One fine day he told her that he loved her. He hadnt planned for a proper proposal with a red rose and a mushy card which was the norm then but he simply told that he loves her when she asked why he was so lost for past few days. She dint agree to the proposal, he was adamant, she was depressed he was not giving it up, he couldnt see her depressed, he gave up, she came back but he couldnt. After that they grew apart and gradually lost touch.

Now here she was, the only woman he ever loved. He was never able to love any other woman, he never even tried to. He dint wanna get married for the sake of it and fool himself and the woman he would marry. He did enjoy being a bachelor but there are nights when he wished she was there with him. He was curious as to how her life might have shaped up. He wanted to know how she was doing. He paced quickly towards her and when he was a couple of yards away from her, he called "Hey Sweets, is that you ?"

P.S - I promise to post the part 2 in the next couple of days.

Someday

2007-04-09T05:39:00.000-07:00

Its been almost 2 weeks since he has heard from her, he doesn’t even know where she is or what she is up to. She suddenly disappeared from his life. Her phone doesn’t respond. He doesn’t even know whether she is alive or dead.

This was the last mail he wrote to her

If you want to leave , you are free to do as you wish...have never tried neither will I ever try to stop you cos that’s not me...I jus cannot ask you do something for me....cos we are two different individuals and we are free to take our decisions as we wish..... One thing about me which you might already know when I take a decision I consider jus myself and only myself....I do not think that a particular person would be hurt if I do this. if my action seems to be justified to me I go ahead with it if some body else gets affected by it then its not my problem. If I have to stay/leave I would jus consider about me how this decision will affect me whether I will be happy/sad staying/leaving, what are the consequences of this decision to me. But I guess we both differ here you take your decisions not keeping what consequences it would cause to you but what effect it will have on others, you tend to value others over your self but I am diametrically opposite to it. I tend to value self over anything else. So if you think your leaving or staying will have any effect on me then it’s my problem not yours. If I get hurt cos you leave/stay then its my fault not yours. You need to understand that I am not saying mine is the rite way of living or yours is, I am no judge of that , you are free to live the life the way you want to and I am free to live the way i want to. I have always told ya I am not cut out for relationships...I guess you would understand why now.

To the above her reply was

All I understand right now is that you are clear on this not having a future

Am not hurt one bit …. Yes, I sincerely hope that no one is ever hurt by my actions … Glad to know I have never hurt you

As for you being cut out for relationships – well, am no one to comment on that, maybe am just not your ‘type’ … whatever it does not matter any more

I have been hurt before and I refuse to tread the same path. I can take care of myself and hence I have the insight to see that nothing good is going to come out of this …..

Adios!

And after that there was no correspondence at all. He had read these two mails so many times that he can recite them verbatim. He decides to leave early from work cos he sees no point in sticking at office and staring at these mails and he is sure that no work would be done either, probably he would go for a long drive on his bike. The thought itself is refreshing. He quickly leaves his cubicle before his superior can stop him and takes the stairs instead of the elevator for the fear of some raised eyebrows. He takes out his bike, puts on his earphones and helmet and quietly gets out of the campus.

In my search for freedom

and peace of mind

I've left the memories behind

Wanna start a new life

but it seems to be rather absurd

when I know the truth

is that I always think of you

He smirks at the timing of the lyrics. He has heard this song umpteen number of times before, considering that he started listening to western music with MLTR but never before the lyrics have been so eloquent.

Someday someway

together we will be baby

I will take and you will take your time

We'll wait for our fate

cos' nobody owns us baby

We can shake we can shake the rock

Hope, that’s what keeps us alive, has said many of his friends. And he has always asked in return, hope of what? He has got replies like hope of a better tomorrow, hope of knowing your life’s calling, hope of finding that one person who will matter to you the most. Nothing has ever convinced his cynical self.

Try to throw the picture out of my mind

try to leave the memories behind

Here by the ocean

wave's carry voices from you

Do you know the truth

I am thinking of you too

That’s what he has been trying to do, to throw her out of his mind for over a year and half now. He just can’t get himself to do that. The only thing he has managed to achieve is indifference to his own life but not to her. He has become almost emotionless but whatever little emotions he felt were still invoked by her. She still was a part of every dream, every fantasy of his.

The love we had together

just fades away in time

And now you've got your own world

and I guess I've got mine

But the passion that you planted

in the middle of my heart

is a passion that will never stop

Then what is it that’s been stopping him? He has asked this question himself a lot of times but he never was able to pin point the problem. Probably when she gets back he would tell her that he still longs for her.

He never speeds on highways, but today he was going full throttle. He can see from the corner of the eye the speedometer touching 100 Kmph. He takes a sharp turn to avoid hitting a pedestrian, the bikes skids and he loses control. He tries to jump off the bike in the hope that he can escape with a few scratches. He falls on the road and is rolling, the truck behind couldnt stop in time.

Someday someway

together we will be baby… May be not.

Ironic !!!

2007-03-20T09:20:00.000-07:00

You ask me where you stand in my life, after you have walked out of it.

You ask me whether you still strike a chord in me, after you have cut all the strings.

You ask me whether I can reach out to you, after you have amputated my hands.

You ask me why can’t you see me after you have shut me out from your life.

You ask me the questions which were answered by you long ago.

My dearest, one can’t suffer the legacy one leaves behind.

Of Radio and Life .

2007-03-12T07:59:00.000-07:00

Everyday I have to commute from home to office and vice versa and the only companion I have during that time is my Radio ( apart from the Love Stories i.e ). I always wanted an Mp3 player but never got one but in hindsight it seems to be a good decision. Let me tell you why. I prefer radio to an Mp3 player because there is an air of unpredictability associated with it. With an Mp3 player I choose the songs, I know what to expect and most of the times I know whats coming next (ofcourse i am talking of a player which doesnt have Shuffle capability, but even if shuffle is on I still am limited to a few number of artists and songs), but the best thing about Radio is its Randomness, I dont know what to expect next at times a few stations never give me a clue as if which language the next song is gonna be. The songs and artists are unlimited, you get to meet new artists almost everyday and get introduced to good songs too. With an Mp3 player i can choose the songs i like, I am sure there wont be a song which will make me cringe but with radio you get a good mix there will be times when you will be like aaargh but the next will bring a bigger smile on your face, I guess this goes well with the saying that you need to experience evil to appreciate good. And with radio there are times when you feel like if at all that song comes up it will be great and the next thing you know is they indeed are playing that song and the joy you experience is boundless. I know its a simple thing but it can really brighten ones mood, it can really make one's day. The anticipation, the hope that the next song will be the one which you will love keeps you going.

This preference of mine says something about me too I guess. Its consistent with my affinity towards unpredictability in life. How many times I have thanked heavens for making life unpredictable, what fun would it be if I knew everything beforehand then there is nothing to look forward to but going through the motions. This explains why I like change in my life however unwelcoming it might be. This also explains why there is always a smile on my face even when i am leaving a place I have stayed for years or people whom i love because for me the uncertainty of future is what keeps me going. Tomorrow might be a freaky day, tomorrow I might meet new people, tomorrow I might visit new places, tomorrow I might meet that one special person, this hope makes life bearable and keeps ennui at bay.

Valentine's Day Special

2007-02-19T02:46:00.000-08:00

'Will you be my Valentine?' said the Spider to the Fly

I read this statement in one of the blogs and it actually got me thinking. I googled it and read the poem the "The spider and the fly" . It was funny and in the end it had a moral too.

So how my thought process went was something like this. The first thing that came to my mind was who was the spider and who was the fly in the above scenario ? In the sense that are men the spiders and women the flies or vice versa ? Being the equal oppurtunity guy I am, I thought I would argue the case both ways.

Men who claim they are the flies

Ofcourse we are the flies, arent we? Easily duped by that feminine charm, with those lovey dovey faces, with every trick in the world they ever conjured. What choice do we hapless men have ? We have to invent pick up lines, we have to show them that we are different or atleast we need to have a good bank balance if not Hrithik like looks. It gives us nightmares thinking about whats the next move we need to make to make her stay. Am I treating her too non chalantly or am I suffocating her with too much attention. Am I supposed to hold her hand while crossing the road or would she think that I am being amorous. But still the web is so strong that one we are stuck we are stuck for life unless ofcourse the spiderwoman is on men diet.

Men who claim they are the spiders.

Ha ha women, those fragile looking things, those easily culpable species who would lap up any shit we give. They keep dreaming about Mr Prince Charming who would come on a stallion and save them from the dragons of life, but poor little things how would they know that Mr Prince Charming himself is a dragon in disguise - Mu ha ha (evil laugh). We just need to don the role of this guy who listens to all their woes, who provides them the emotional and financial security and they would walk into any trap. Its a men's world my dear f of s and the only place for you women is in the kitchen and the only work they are capable of doing is procreating - Mu ha ha.

Women who claim they are the spiders

Men ? Lol what a joke they are. The whole purpose God created them was to be a toy in the hands of a woman and when she gets tired she can dump them in any garbage can she wishes and play with another toy. You know something - The greatest trick the devil ever played was to convince the world that it doesnt exist. Thats how we have been all the way. We act as if we are subservient to men, we convince them that without them we cannot survive, we make them feel that they are the masters, they are mighty powerful capable of inflicting any hardship on us and trust us these men are suckers for power however virtual it may be. Now you know who the real master is and History stands testimony to the power wielded by us. And the quote 'Hell hath no fury as a Woman's scorn' is definitely not a bugaboo.

Women who claim they are the flies.

You know he says that I am the most beautiful woman he has ever met and he cannot live without me and he would spend his entire life trying to make me happy and he kneels down on one knee and pops up the inevitable quetion every women so badly wants to be asked - Will you marry me ? And thats it we get all teary eyed and say 'Yesss'. What did we knew then that tomorrow the ritual is going to be repeated with another setting and another woman. By the time we wake up to the harsh realities of life we are already devoured. We fall for the same old formula again and again and how we wish we can learn from our mistakes.

So guys here I have been the counsel for all the four cases and you being the Jury pass the Judgement.

Wonder Years

2007-02-16T09:14:00.001-08:00

Ever since I laid my eyes on the television series 'Wonder Years', I have been hit with a bout of nostalgia of my own wonder years. Those were the years when I was in college(2000-2004). The people who made those years wonderful were K and R. For me the only times I vividly remember of my days in college were the times I spent with these two guys.

For starters we guys were very different from each other. We were from different family backgrounds, different localities, different schools with different ambitions. K wanted to get into IIT very badly and he is one person I know who deserved to get in there. R wanted to be a doctor. As for me I was just the same as I am now not knowing what I want. But some how we landed up in Electronics and Communication department in SRM engineering college. At times I wonder what would have happened if K would have got IIT and R into a Medical college, how my college life would have been. I am sure no matter what followed it could have never been what it had been.

We guys had some sort of bond, some kind of common frequency of communication which only we would understand, for the rest of the world it was encrypted or unintelligible. I couldnt put my finger on one day, one incident which brought us together because we never realized nor we acknowledged the thing we shared until later. It just happened over a period of time and it was as oblivious to us as it was to everyone else. We used to do everything together (except studies) right from grading the chicks (R was pretty good at spotting things in Chicks which me and K would have overlooked otherwise), playing cricket, watching movies, participating in culturals or having late nite talks.

Our usual hangout place was K's home, we used to play cricket on weekends in the street and we used to fight tooth and nail against each other. We used to call each other names, yell at each other, utter obscenities, we were as fierce as we could be and thats the way we liked it. And it was all forgotten with out any effort once the game got over. K's mom used to serve us some hot energy drink and some dosai too(Yummy). We used to play Uno, computer games, listen to a common play list on K's comp ( we all had our gals ofcourse it was one way traffic but what the hell we dint care about it then), play carroms and then we used to go to a place and have yummy choclate milk. And our idea of an ideal way to spend time was to see Dil Chahtha Hain and we would make sure that it would be only 3 of us. During college tours we used to share the same room and we used to laugh our hearts over things which to others might never seem funny.

There have been various faces I had put on to various people in life but with these guys it was just me. It was so simple to be with them, no pretention was necessary, no fear of saying anything which would hurt them. It was just plain and simple as I always thought freindship should be. The best thing about it was we never had to explain ourselves unless we wanted to. We always gave each other the space and time. People around used to be curious about how come we guys were like the way we were and they used to be surprised when we said that we never called each other up for small talk . Even when we used to meet after a long time we felt as if we had just met yesterday.

Remember in Dil Chahtha Hain when Akshay Khanna says that 3 of them were like that boat which would seek a particular destination and their destinations might be different. I never understood the full implications of that dialogue until much after college. As it turned out our destinations were different. I wouldnt say we grew apart but certainly the communication between us did reduce starkly. When ever we used to meet we would again talk as if we parted so recently. But on these meetings what I also realized was that we were changing. We no longer were what we have been in the past, the differences were subtle but I guess all 3 of us sensed them and accepted them as if it was the most natural thing to happen. Our ways of looking at life, relationships, people, career, success were all different. May be they have always been different may be not but the realization that they were different dint dawn on me until later after college. I woudnt say it made me sad but it certainly made me feel that something was lost. Things were different now and they perhaps never will be like what they were.

Though me and K work in the same company we hardly see each other not because we dont want to its probably because we never took an effort to (which has always been like that) or probably our priorities have changed. As for R he is in a different city from us but we hardly call him up because we have never called each other just like that. When in college if any of our Bday was due the other two used to plan atleast a week before as to how to celebrate it. Now the other day I even forgot the fact that it was R's Bday. Not that he would mind me not wishing him( I would be foolish to think that he would) but that day I thought long into the night as to how did I forget R's Bday ?

Now atleast we meet twice or thrice a year but in the years to come I can hardly hope even for that cos we might be in different countries for all we know. But I am sure of one thing even if we meet once in ten years we would still have a good time as we have always had. I am going to meet these guys today for dinner and I am sure I will have a great time. But nothing can equal the time we had in college, those were the best days of my life.

I am Back !!!

2007-02-16T04:07:00.000-08:00

Hello Guys,

First of all I owe an apology to people who expected the Trial part 2 to be posted soon or so I promised. Sorry Guys, had a really important two months and was too busy with a lot of things(more on this later) hence was not able to blog. Anyway I would blog regularly from now onwards unless hit by a writers block (but thats a rare possibility since to be hit by a writers block one has to be a writer in first place and I don think I can call myself that - I am aint being modest here). So guys I am back to fulltime blogging and watch this space for regular updates :).

Ciao for now folks, work beckons.

Avi.

The Trial - Part 1

2006-12-04T05:59:00.000-08:00

‘This man must be hanged till death!!!’ screamed the newspaper headlines. This has been a quiet year apart from genocide of 2 million people (This number seems paltry when compared to the last year's figure of 10 million), 5 million youth have been forcefully drafted into the government’s military regime and just 4 countries have been obliterated from the face of the earth. This kind of news has been common for last few years hence nobody raised an eyebrow when they heard that some XYZ country has been bombed by the military forces. But the news today on headlines did create a ripple among the citizens of the country because it was so uncommon.

The story below the headline stated that a man has been arrested on the charges of murdering the most powerful religious head of the country. It was also said that this man is going to be tried publicly and the trial is also going to be telecasted to all corners of the world. The date of the trial was set to be September 2^nd, 2084 i.e. a week’s time from then.

Right from the moment the story became public, hate campaigns broke out through out the country. Demonstrations were held demanding to castrate the killer before chopping his head off, so called peace protests were held demanding to torture the man before being electrocuted, petitions were signed by hundreds of thousands to hang the man without a trial. Even the human right activists campainged that the man should be killed using a lethal injection.It was a busy week for the citizens of the country which hasn’t seen such buzz in recent years.

The man in question was kept in a high security prison with armed personnel guarding the prison 24x7. Nobody was permitted to speak to him or see him. The only person who was permitted to speak with him was the government appointed attorney to defend the man. But the next day news headlines read that the man has refused the defense counsel provided by the government and asked permission to the government to plead his own case. Government happily granted permission because no attorney was ready to take up the case in first place.

On the day of the trial, it was a pompous atmosphere all over the country. It just seemed like a festive season from old days. It was declared a public holiday by the government because they wanted to show the people as to what happens to those who break the law. They had no clue what they were in for...

To be continued …..

I am Wiser - I am 24 !!

2006-11-21T05:39:00.000-08:00

Today I turned 24, one more year just flew by. Looking back at this year , I dont seem to be remember much except that I survived. The day has been good till now. Yesterday night 12 o clock , my room mates surprised me by getting me a cake (black forest yummm), then I was kicked in the ass and got a cake pack on my face( and in the hair too). Then got a couple of calls from my friends. After that I dozed off. Today I have been really busy on the phone like never before. I have never got so many calls on my Birthday as I got today. Phew.

The guys at office got me another black forest , again got lots of kicks in the ass and again got pasted over by the cake. It was a sense of dejavu from yesterday's night. Never cut two cakes in a span of 24 hrs before so it was a novel experience considering the amount of bumps too. Thanks everyone for all your wishes, you guys made my day.

One of my friends called me up to wish me. She said I am supposed to make one wish and one resolution for my Bday. She sounded as if it were mandatory. I said I have never done this before. She replied saying that she would wish on behalf of me and asked me to choose a resolution. I said I cant resolve to do something on the fly so I need time. She has given me time till the evening to tell her my resolution. I am still thinking...

Yeah am still at office, not exactly slogging but yeah working. I have given meow last week. Lets wait and watch what happens. Have my fingers crossed.

Thats what has been happening in my life. Will be back to full time blogging soon. So keep an eye over here. Ciao guys.

A Break from Blogging

2006-10-25T01:31:00.000-07:00

Hey Guys I am taking a smal break from Bloggin till Nov 19, you know for what rite.

Good Will Hunting.

2006-10-07T03:27:00.000-07:00

I wanted to watch the movie Good Will Hunting for a long time now. Finally I managed it last weekend. I knew the entire story of the movie, Courtesy – Musafir. He told me the story once and we discussed about it long into the night. It’s a very interesting movie in the sense that it raises certain questions which I personally found very difficult to address.

One of the questions which me and Musafir did discuss was why should one fulfill one’s potential. I know I am a genius, I know I can do a lot of things which others can never attempt but does that mean that I should fulfill my potential ? Does being a genius should place a burden on me to act like one? What if I do not want to do what I am best at? It’s definitely not necessary that I would always enjoy doing what I am good at.

Have met many people in my life who carry the guilt that they have not been doing justice to their potential. They hate every minute of their existence thinking of what a failure they have been in their lives. Among these people there are two types. One is the type for whom the guilt is society induced and another is the type for who the guilt is self induced.

For the first type the problem is still not huge because they can take refuge in the people who would understand them, who know that success and happiness are relative terms. They would feel perfectly at home among their kind of people. The problem is huge for second type of people, they cannot take refuge anywhere, one cannot hide from himself, can he?

For all the people who carry this guilt, I would suggest you to watch this movie. It might not help you find all the answers but it might give you a hint as to what they might be.

Love Story Continues .....

2006-09-25T07:49:00.000-07:00

He saw her again. He couldn’t believe his luck. They boarded the same bus and guess what she was sitting in the adjoining row of seats but at the same level as he was. When ever he boarded the bus he always made sure that he sat by the window seat. But today he was glad to make an exception and took the corner seat and just hoped that some one whom he knew shouldn’t turn up at this moment. Think of the devil and he is there. One of his best friends ‘A’ got on the bus. ‘A’ came right to his seat. Though he was pretending to be asleep ‘A’ had no qualms about waking him up.

‘Abe kya kar raha hain?’ ‘A’ asked.

‘Dikhtha nahin hain kya so raha hoon’, he said.

‘Chal chat mat, andar jaa, mere ko jagah de’, ‘A’ said.

He grudgingly made way for A. Normally he would have been happy to see A because it’s good to have some body to talk to during the bus journey otherwise he would have to resort to Radio and hear Sunaina – Nimma smile specialist. He dint mind the music on the radio but he wished there was less of RJing. Today A was not in a much of a mood to talk and he had no intention to make him talk. On his day A can talk for hours and hours about everything under sun, topics ranging from Pink Floyd to gay rights but today he was conspicuously quiet and he couldn’t have chosen a better time.

Now he had to bend forward to look at her. He was thankful that A had closed his eyes. But to his disappointment she also closed her eyes. He had hoped to catch her eye today and see if he can notice any sign of recognition from her face. But she closing her eyes had its own advantages. He can ogle at her without the fear of being caught. He had never seen her this close before. He was afraid that she might not look as pretty as she did during the road crossing. But he was glad to realize that he was wrong.

She couldn’t have looked more beautiful. There was a childlike innocence on her face. There was absolutely no strain of a hard days work. He wondered what she might be dreaming about. He envied what ever the object of her dream was. It dint matter to him whether it was a man or woman or any other inanimate object. He just wished he could transfigure himself into the object of her dreams.

She was sleeping with her bag on the lap and her head lolled sideways. He cursed the bad roads. There was a faint smile on her face which would be imperceptible for a casual observer. He never thought he could feel this way watching a woman sleeping. He could have sat there all night and watched her.

Today he dint seem to have any luck. There was not much traffic on the roads and he knew that he would have to get down at the next stop. It was pouring down outside. On any other day he would have been staring out of the window in to the rain but today he had a better option.

‘Abe sale uth, apna stop aa gaya’, he shook A.

A got up and rubbed his eyes. A clutched his bag and made way to the door. He reluctantly got up and followed him. He suddenly realized that she should have gotten down at the stop before. He wondered whether he should wake her up but again gave up the idea. Then she suddenly opened her eyes and looked around. She immediately got up and made her way to the door. The bus stopped all three of them got down and found themselves getting lashed by the rain. She coolly took out her umbrella from the handbag and walked away. He had an urge to follow her but decided against it. ‘A’ had already run for cover under a coffee shop. He stood there for sometime and made his way towards A.

Untitled

2006-09-05T04:22:00.000-07:00

Questions I mayn’t ask you!

Did your time fly? Did it heal?

Did another bud bloom in your garden later at dusk?

Did another soul caress your stubble and lock that gentle smile in her eyes?

Did every mole of yours tell you stories, like mine did?

Did I become a distant memory that spoiled your days?

Did you yen to unburden your uncontrollable tears on to my bosom, back again?

Did you wish to snuggle up to my neck on those hazy dawns?

Was I the love that you embraced in your juvenility?

Was I merely a passing cloud that retained a soft corner?

Did I become the past that you abhorred to reminiscence?

Did you play the silly pranks we created ever again?

Did your vivacious laughter find its right destination later sometime?

Will I be worthy of a mention in your book about love?

Will you say, ours was everything that love could be?

Will you sing the symphony of our bond on my grave?

Will you stroke my hair once before fire engulfs the me that was always yours?

Time didn’t heal. The sun didn’t rise.

Never again for me.

Questions I’m dying to ask you!

This piece was written by one of my very good friends. She can describe any emotion so beautifully, there are times I wish I can write like her. This was a piece written in extreme pain. Why is it that best pieces of art come out when people are in pain?

Mumbai Rocks!!!!!

2006-08-17T03:35:00.000-07:00

Was in Mumbai for past one week. Phew!!! That city truly rocks. I went there to meet few of my cousins and sort out certain family issues too. I flew for first time in my life and it was a decent experience. The only bad thing about the journey was the tea. They gave me around 250 ml hot water, a tea bag, one small sachet of milk powder and one sugar sachet (that’s all I normally have 3 sachets of sugar – I know I know its too much but I like it that way). I mixed them all and it tasted like anything but tea. What did I expect from Air Deccan? Huh. I make great tea, you don’t believe it? Ok good tea even my mom says that.

So finally landed there, of course half an hour late. I find all the roads are wet, not stagnated with water but just wet. I was really happy to see that it hadn’t been raining helter-skelter there. And during my entire stay there was not much of rain, atleast it dint hamper any of my plans. And to top it all the moment I got inside the train while coming back its started pouring down. :)

I had 3 of my cousins giving me company all the time. First of them Jinus –He had finished his Engineering and doing computer hardware business, he is a cool dude, knows how to have fun. Second of them – Zarna – She had finished her BPharm this year and looking for jobs, she is one of her kind, extremely lazy (after all genes you see) and extremely smart. Third of them – Zenith – He is in his final year of BCom. He knows all the good places to hangout, Lanky dude and we share the same passions in sport. Awesome people to hangout with. Had loads of fun with you guys. Thanks a lot for everything.

We had a Maruti Zen at our disposal. We went to a variety of places – Mocha’s at Churchgate, Phoenix at Lower Parel, Cosmic at Khar, Spice and Flavors, Nuriman Point, Reclamation, Worli Sea view, Ayub’s for Paneer Kati roll, Bachelor’s for Juices and Ice Creams. Every one of these places had something good about them. I thoroughly enjoyed each of them. Had lots of Hookaah too ;). Hookaah had become a new fashion in Mumbai, every eat out or a coffee shop has to have it. The people in the city know how to have fun. The night life of the city is great. Inspite of many bomb scares people still thronged the streets. They never let go of an opportunity to celebrate.

Three cheers to the spirit of Mumbai.

P.S – Today is one of my Best friends, Kripa’s Birthday. Happy Birthday dude. Have a blast.

Snapshot of my mind!!!!

2006-08-02T03:32:00.000-07:00

I was tagged by Musafir to do this tag. Buddy you asked for it, you get it :).

I am thinking about -

Whether the code I wrote would work fine or not? (Trust me if it doesn’t work fine I am in deep shit) and how futile ones existence is?

I said -

F%^& reservations!!!

I want to -

I want to start my guitar again, listen to a lot of music and read a lot of books. I want to travel a lot. Want to be a nomad for life.

I wish -

I were not born in this era.

I miss -

Nothing :(

I hear -

Voices inside my head. Absolute cacophony in there. The irony is they can’t be shut by closing my ears.

I wonder -

Will I ever discover what I want to do with my life?

I need -

I wish I knew that.

I regret -

Not making the best use of my time. I waste so much of time in watching stupid things on TV which I could invest in something productive.

I dance -

In the rain, in a party when ever possible, never miss a chance to dance.

I cry -

Not my cup of tea. What’s the whole point anyway?

I am not always -

Objective.

I make with my hands -

Funny shapes which seem funny only to me.

I write -

When I am in the mood, mostly in the nights when there is nothing around, except me and my thoughts.

I confuse -

Push and Pull sign on the reception doors in my office.

I should try -

Writing a poem.
Reading old classics.
Practicing my guitar.

I should finish -

I have hardly begun.

I know -

How can I measure it There is so much I know and there is so much I don’t.

I am -

Self conceited, Pseudo-Objectivist, Self – Sufficient, A bundle of contradictions.

And finally -

I am tagging a few more people to do this tag - Soliloquist, Mocking Spirit, Neha, Saira, Samudraa

Love Story ?

2006-07-14T03:00:00.000-07:00

It was just another mundane Monday morning (it alliterates!!!) after a languorous weekend of sleeping, eating and more sleeping. He wondered whether there is excitement surrounding everybody else’s lives or is it that grass is always greener on the other side. He as usual got up late, knew was going to be late to the office and also knew that he was going to miss a meeting. That thought dint trouble him much but what did bother him was the extreme boredom he had been inflicted with. He managed to drag himself out of the house and was on his way to the uninviting office.

He had to cross a road to reach the bus stop and every time he thinks of crossing that road he just wishes that the signal is red so that he doesn’t have to wait. It’s a simple wish at times it gets fulfilled at times it doesn’t. Today it was not to be. When ever he is stuck in such situations he bides his time by watching people around him. He likes doing that. He likes to read their faces and surmise what is going on in their minds. There is a whole gamut of emotions he notices - excitement, boredom, irritation, anger, preoccupation etc.

He saw her. He couldn’t have missed her rather. She was on the other side of the road waiting the same way as he was. He remembered the phrase “thunder bolt” from the book The Godfather by Mario Puzo. He just couldn’t help himself staring at her. He glanced at the signal timer, 156 seconds to go before the signal turns red. Then as he turned back towards her, he caught her looking at him. She looked away immediately.

He looked at her more closely now. She was wearing a black designer salwar with white print on it and a white bottom and a white chunni. There was nothing flashy about the dress probably he would have seen thousands of women wearing similar ones but never noticed. But looking at her wearing it, he felt as though it was tailor made just for her. She wasn’t wearing much make up either, he had always hated women wearing make up especially lip stick. Her lips were of perfect size not too big not too small and had a perfect shape too. There was a mole above the upper lip towards the left side. He had seen moles defiling faces before, but never seen a mole embellishing a face as it did in this case. Her nose was ok, in the sense it dint draw any particular attention. The timer showed 129 seconds.

His gaze now shifted to her eyes. His first impression was they were unreal. He had seen many eyes before (his own included in the mirror), that’s the first thing he notices when he meets or sees a person because he had always believed that eyes cannot belie one’s personality. Her eyes were all and nothing at the same time. They were like a mirror which shows you nothing of its own but only reflects. They were like a hologram which when viewed with different angles show different pictures. You can find joy, angst, love, hatred, indifference absolutely anything depending on what you want to see. He was so lost in her eyes that he dint notice her looking straight at him. He looked away from the eyes that were keeping him in a trance hoping to break the spell. The timer read 93 seconds.

He knew it wouldn’t be long before he would look back at her. When the timer read 80 seconds he casually turned in her direction. To his surprise she was still looking straight at him. She was taming the one strand of hair which had gone wild in the pleasant morning breeze. She had short hair which suited her face. She refused to look away this time. He was finding it very difficult to categorize the kind of look she was giving him. It wasn’t of pleasure that she was attracting looks, neither it was of anger that some guy was rudely staring at her nor it was of indifference for he fully knew that she was looking at him. He looked at the timer which read 48 seconds. He had never been curious as to what other people thought about him but it amused him when ever they told him what they thought. But this time he was curious to know what was she thinking about him. He would give anything to get a snapshot of her mind at this moment.

He knew time was not on his side. It wouldn’t be long before they crossed each other and would be gone forever. He thought of giving her a smile perhaps if he had any luck she would smile back and he wanted that picture to remain in his memory forever. But again he was apprehensive what if she finds his smile to be rude and change her look to some thing disgusting and he didn’t want that image to remain in his memory. When he was pondering over his indecision he saw movement on his side and the timer read 178. When he looked back at her she was already moving towards his side of the road. He too reluctantly moved ahead. When they were a couple of yards away from each other their eyes locked and he felt as if she was smiling though there was barely any movement of lips. He smiled back. They crossed each other. He looked back. She didn’t. He looked up at the heavens and thought to himself if God ever existed he must be a romantic.

P.S – This was guy’s side of the story. If some body wants to attempt the Girl’s side of the story go ahead and do it and I will post it on it on my blog with due credits.

Update (31/07/2006) - Soliloquist had written the Girl's side of the story, you can read it here

Pink - Part 2

2006-07-07T00:30:00.000-07:00

“Hi Avi!!!!” And there she was all teeth. It’s very difficult to describe my first reactions when I saw her the way I saw her. She was all pink, literally!!! She was wearing this pink overcoat; I don’t remember properly the color of the top over which she wore the overcoat. She wore a knee length pink skirt and also pink sandals and she also carried a pink hand bag. I guess she also had this pink clip or rubber band to keep her hair in place. Its not that I hate pink or something but too much of anything is not going to keep you in pink health. This is the ninth time I have used pink inclusive of this sentence. Phew!!!

I mean these days pink is kind of a revelation. The other day I was reading this article in Metro Plus (it’s a supplement of Hindu news paper) about how pink is dominating the pack of colors. The article had this picture of Saif Ali Khan from Salaam Namasthe movie wearing a pink brief. The article spoke about how pink was considered to be a feminine color and only the likes of Govinda used to wear such colors in movies. But these days pink is recommended color whether you are going to a job interview or on a blind date. The reason given by the article was that pink reflects the sensitive nature of a person. It also said that you would improve your chances of your success if you wore pink. I say its holy crap. Anyway we digress from the topic.

“You are looking really pretty. “ I told her. She was all teeth again and I guess kind of blushed too if I remember correctly. “Where do you want to go?” I asked her. She was like you tell me. This is a big problem for me. I mean if she wants to shop then I am under the presumption that she knows where she wants to go. I was like your wish you tell me where you want to go and we will go there. Finally we went to the crossword (it’s a book store on Residency road). She got a pen for her best friend which had something fluffy at the back and yeah it was pink in color.

Then we had a really strange argument. She said she always gifts a person what she wants to and not sparring a single thought as to whether the other person likes it or not. I told her that I actually gift a person what he/she did not already have and what he/she would love owning it, that’s how my thought process works. She was like I will gift them what I want them to own. She said “for e.g. my brother doesn’t like T Shirts and never buys them hence when ever I buy any clothes for him I always buy him T Shirts so that way at least he would wear them.” After some amount of arguing we finally agreed to disagree.

Then out of the blue she said that she wants to buy something for me. She asked me what I wanted. This is another big problem for me. It’s a tricky predicament when somebody asks you what gift you want. There are thousand and one things which come to your mind but you can’t just tell some one that this is what I want for a gift, at least I couldn’t. So I asked her why she wants to buy a gift for me. She said for your Birthday dumbo (it was my birthday couple of weeks back then). After some time I knew I have to choose something for a gift. I asked for a couple of books to the shopkeeper and he said they were not available. I breathed a sigh of relief and told her probably some other time. She reluctantly agreed. She said we will go to Commercial Street to shop for clothes and we were on our way.

To be Contd…..

Pink - Part 1

2006-06-30T03:15:00.000-07:00

There is this Gal in my company whom I met first during my training days. I was new to Bangalore during those times and the weekend after we got our first Salary she asked me whether I can accompany her to shopping precisely clothes. Being a ‘Mr. Nice Guy’ types (then) I agreed to go with her.

Before describing the course of events that took place on that day, I would like to describe the way I shop. Before going to shop for clothes I would decide exactly what I am going to shop. I would decide that I want 3 shirts of so and so color whether short sleeved or full sleeved and so and so trousers to go with them. I would decide how many of these trousers are going to be Jeans, Casuals and so. So when I enter a store I would just ask for those things and the moment I realize that these are what I want, I would buy them (of course after keeping an eye on the price).So my shopping lasts usually for about ten minutes that too if there is a queue at the cash counter. My best pal Rajesh would beat me here.

So we decided to meet on Brigade road in front of Mota Arcade (It’s a Mall on Brigade road) at precisely 11:00 AM (Those I days I used to wake up early by 10 AM). Another bad habit of mine is I never follow the Indian standard time of being half an hour late but she did. I don’t mind waiting too much but I definitely mind waiting on Brigade road that too on a Saturday. (It’s a pain to wait there, it’s too crowdy, too noisy for my liking). Besides the crowd, noise and pollution a gang of Chinese women were eyeing me – you know what I mean. I tried calling this female to know about her whereabouts but half the time it said Network Busy and the other times it said User busy.

Finally I get a call from her at 11:35 asking me where I was. I was very tempted to say that I was at home sleeping and actually escape from there before she turns up but you know being a ‘Mr. Nice Guy’ types has its share of problems. I said very politely that I was at the place agreed upon (without a hint of frustration). She says she is stuck in the traffic jam hence she couldn’t come on time; I was very tempted to tell her that being two weeks old in Bangalore I knew what Bangalore traffic was like and she leading all her life in Bangalore should have known better and started early but you know being a ‘you know who’ I told her that its not a problem at all. Finally she says she will be at the rendezvous point in another 2 minutes and hanged up.

The 2 minutes became 15 minutes. See when some body tells you that they will be there in 2 minutes you are mentally prepared to see them in 2 minutes and when 2 minutes become 4 minutes and then 6, 8 and 10 you slowly lose the expectancy factor and when finally the person turns up you act as if you never expected to see the person. That’s what happened when she finally turned up at 11:50AM. By that time the Chinese Gang also gave up on me and left to look at other avenues I guess.

“Hi Avi !!!!”

To be Contd…..

D-P Ratio !!!

2006-06-20T04:59:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls and children of all ages, you are extremely fortunate to be reading this. I am going to introduce you to one of the most phenomenal tools ever discovered in the history of mankind. This going to change your life for good. You are never going to be the same again. Here I bring it to you the chosen ones - “D-P Ratio “.

Ok enough of publicity stunt. Am I not good at marketing? No? At least I did a good enough job of holding your attention till now which most of the TV commercials never manage to do.

So what is all this hype about D-P ratio? Let me explain it in Detail.

D-P is an acronym for Desire-Potential. D-P ratio can be calculated for every action of ours be it the job we do, the games we play, the relationships we are in, the subject we study etc. Each of our action is characterized by these two parameters Desire- How much we want to do a particular thing? Potential – How good are we at doing it?

Have you ever wondered why do you hate what you are doing? Why are you not able to do what you want to do? The answer ladies and gentlemen lies in D-P Ratio.

Let me explain further. For example consider me. I sit and do coding all day although I am not particularly fond of it. Hence here my desire for coding is less (say 5 out of 10). But I am extremely good at coding (say my potential for coding is 9 out of 10). Even though I may hate doing what I am doing but since I am extremely good at it I am not doing that bad in life (by whose standards? By societal standards. Not mine). Here my D-P ratio becomes 5/9 which is approximately equal to 0.56.

Now let’s consider this case. I very badly want to be a singer. Here my desire is say 10. But I am very bad at singing (ok not very bad but yeah a bit bad ;)). Hence my potential of becoming a singer is very less say 2. Hence my D-P ratio for becoming a singer becomes 5. If I were to choose a career as a singer, I am going to end up with a screwed up life.

Hence the ideal D-P ratio for any action should be 1. If it is equal to 1 then you would love doing it and at the same time you would be extremely good at it.

So to summarize:

If

D-P Ratio is 1 – Just do it. There is nothing like it.

D-P Ratio is < 1 – You would be good at it but you may actually not be happy doing it.

D-P Ratio is >>1 – Though you love to do this but you are not good at it. So it would be foolish to keep doing it-look for a change over or look at ways to improve your potential and bring down your D-P ratio.

This concept is applicable to every action of ours. So guys thank me for introducing you to such a life changing ratio (Ok I am back to my Narcissist best). Reap the benefits of this ratio. I am not demanding any royalty for it (as if I am going to get ;)). I would be happy knowing if at least one of you benefited from it (ok Avi don’t become senti now ;)).

And yeah before anybody can plagiarize it I am patenting this ratio. ;)

Random Thoughts

2006-06-12T05:20:00.000-07:00

He was sitting in his rocking chair with one hand on the trigger of the semi automatic and the other hand holding an unlighted cigarette. He had been fired this morning from his job for not adhering to the policies of the organization. As the thought crossed his mind an indifferent smile appeared on his face. He should feel dejected but he was not, he should be angry for being fired for absolutely no fault of his but he was not, he should be gritting his teeth and plotting revenge but he was not. “What’s the matter with me?” he said to himself.

The room was pitch dark, all the curtains down, all the windows shut. He preferred darkness. It just gave him a sense of safety. He felt that nobody can see his pain, nobody can read his thoughts. He can see what he wants to see. He can create a rational world of his own. He doesn’t want to see what light reveals. He doesn’t want to see the ugly face of the world he is currently living in.

“Why the fuck am I alive? “, the frustration was apparent in his voice. Why can’t I just end it all right now? , just blow my brains out, what difference is going to make to anyone? Nobody would give a damn if I die right now, in this very second and why anybody should care. It’s been one hell of a ride since the day he had realized how futile one’s existence is. He had wondered since then, realizing what he had, can one just go on leading a “normal” life? Can one believe that his life had a purpose and his goal in life is to achieve that purpose? “If such a person exists, just show up and reach out to me and make me believe that it can be done ”, he yelled in a pleading tone.

All these days what had kept him from taking his own life had been the hope that it may be possible to lead a “normal” life after knowing what he knows. Maybe he is missing something, which he may realize at a later point of time. But today had been a bit too much. He just wants to end all this agony right then.

But then again he decides against it. Is it the hope or the fear of death he cant say, but he just could not bring himself to commit suicide. He pulls the trigger of the semi-automatic and lights the cigarette.

Tete-a-tete with a Mallu Gal

2006-06-01T01:26:00.000-07:00

This is a lunch conversation I had with a colleague who is from Kerala. The conversation some how shifted to Malayali Kutti ;).

She : So you would marry a Mallu gal ?

Me : Yeah! Why not if I like her ?

She: So religion, state and language not a problem for ya ?

Me : Nope not a problem at all. I am an Atheist -so religion no problem, I am a Human - So state, country not a problem and Love is the universal language - so language no problem.

She : So you dont believe in God (with absolute disbelief on her face) ?

Me : Nope, I dont. Do you ?

She: Ofcourse, what kind of a question is that ?

Me : So why do you believe in God ?

She:(Silent)........

Me : Tell me why do you believe in God and make a believer out of me.

She:(Silent).......

Me : I am giving you a chance to convince me that I should believe in God.

She:(Silent) If I tell you why I believe in God , then you will believe in God and make other people non believers.(She walks out with her plate )

Me : $%^&*

Can anybody explain me what her last statement meant ?

The Reason - (3:52)

2006-05-24T05:44:00.000-07:00

I'm not a perfect person
as many things I wish I didn't do
but I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
and so I have to say before I go
that I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
to change who I used to be
a reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
it's something I must live with everyday
and all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
and be the one who catches all your tears
that's why I need you to hear

I've found a resaon for me
to change who I used to be
a reason to start over new
and the reason is you
and the reason is you
and the reason is you
and the reason is you

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
and so I have to say before I go
that I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
to change who I used to be
a reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
a side of me you didn't know
a reason for all that I do
and the reason is you

The song above is by Hoobastank. Am in love with this song and listen to it umpteen number of times everyday. Guys you should listen to this song and the video is even better.

Irony

2006-05-17T06:07:00.000-07:00

He stood there with arms wide open and looking towards the sky. It was hard to say whether he was welcoming the rain or awaiting a few answers as if they were to come from above. He liked the way the waves were caressing his feet, washing away the dirt deposited by the previous wave and adding some of its own. It was like dying and getting resurrected in the same moment. He badly wished if it were possible to wipe away the writings on one’s mind and start afresh.

He had convinced her to let go off her past.

He knew that Sagar loved her very much and they had been the best of friends for over 15 years now. He knew that no one could ever love her as much as Sagar did and she would be the happiest woman in the world if she were to marry him. They have had best of times together; they have shared every moment of their lives with each other and it would be poetic justice if they were to be together.

He had convinced her to accept Sagar’s proposal.

He hated playing God. He dint like the power he had, to change people’s lives. It’s a huge responsibility and at the same times a huge burden. If at all he dint knew Sagar and his love for her would he have convinced her to accept his proposal? Wouldn’t he himself…… He just shook his head as if it was futile to think on these lines. Things that are said may be forgotten but things that are unsaid may never be forgotten, had said one of his friends. How true he thought to himself. He knew that he had to let this moment of weakness pass very quickly because he can’t afford to be weak when he had been the symbol of strength for many.

He smiled to himself thinking about them.

The intensity of the rain has increased and he was no longer able to stare into the sky. He lowered his head and looked at the ocean. He loved the ocean right from his childhood. He had always thought that there are so many things that are common between him and the ocean. It’s accommodating nature, its expansiveness, its turbulence, he could relate to these qualities. He was thinking if ever the sky and ocean could unite? Or is it that they are never separated in first place? He dismissed that thought from his mind saying to himself that there is no time for such deliberations.

“Sagar……….”, shouted her voice. He turned back and started walking towards her.

Life !!!

2006-05-10T03:36:00.000-07:00

Overcast Skies
Light Drizzle
Lightning
Thunder
Steaming hot coffee
Rocking chair
Smoke
Contemplative mood
Music

Awesome Combo isnt it ?

My Element

2006-05-04T22:17:00.000-07:00

find your elementat mutedfaith.com.

Can marriage do this?

2006-05-04T04:13:00.000-07:00

Ok, this post is about one of my friends in SAP (I work at SAP Labs India Bangalore). He is about to tie the knot this July. Have known him for 4 months out of which, 2 months he has been single and the other 2 months committed. I just want to depict the change in his attitude, pre commitment and post commitment phases. For the sake of protecting his identity lets keep his identity as ‘Mr. V’.

Mr. V – Pre Commitment phase.

Mr. V is best known among his friends as tanker. Let me elucidate the reason for this reputation. When he goes to the pub our man has the capacity to have 8 Vodka shots, 6 Whisky shots and 10 tequila shots all in a single outing, this earned him the well deserved name "Tanker". To complement his drinking prowess Mr. V used to smoke heavily too. He used to be our smoking supplier during training times. Now lets talk about his waking up habits. The bus comes to his place at 8:30 PM, our man happily wakes up at 8:20 PM and makes a run every single day (Am much better I wake up 15 minutes before the bus is dueJ). Our guy also had a crush during the training period which made him to quit smoking for the whole of 4.5 days (Ok if its whole then it has to be either 4 or 5 it cant be 4.5, so lets be generous and keep it on the higher side as 5). After 5 days our man was back to his smoking best. This was the status quo 2 months 12 days 5 Hrs 57 minutes back. Are you surprised as to how I know the exact timing; well it will be clear soon.

End of Pre Commitment phase.

Mr. V – Post Commitment phase.

Once our training got over he was shifted to a different office where as I was in the main campus, so dint have much of an interaction for 3 weeks or so. But a couple of days back I met him in the bus and we got talking. He said that he has quit smoking after he got committed to Ms R. When I asked him about drinking he said that he has got the permission from Ms R to drink once every two weeks (very generous of Ms R , isn’t it?). I asked him whether he needed to ask permission from her, then he replied that he was very happy asking permissions. For sometime I thought that he was joking but I soon realized that he was not. Then our man with the most saintly voice he could conjure up told me that when was I going to become a better person (What he meant was, when was I going to quit smoking and become a responsible person, what the hell, I am a responsible person, smoking doesn’t make me irresponsible.). Then our hero started rambling that it had been 2 months 10 days since he last met her (Now you know how I got the figure in the last paragraph). Now to Mr. Vs waking habits. He gets up at 5:30 and gets ready by 6:10 and gives her a wakeup call, all this because she wants to hear his voice before starting her day (How romantic , isn’t it?). He said that he makes 5 calls to her per day. When I remarked on the phone bills our hero said that he had stopped calling up all his friends hence the bill has not gone up remarkably.

End of Post Commitment phase.

Well honestly speaking I was speechless, I was rather shocked by the change in him. Am not really opposed to his quitting of smoke or drinks but the trigger is what bothers me. Why it bothers me? Well that’s a topic for another post?

Me Back !!

2006-05-02T23:44:00.000-07:00

Was away to Mumbai for a week to attend my cousins wedding. A large post on that coming soon. Lots of things to convey, will positively write the post by tomorrow :)

Thoughts

2006-04-25T04:42:00.000-07:00

He was awakened from his reverie when the fire reached the stub of the cigarette he was holding and burnt his finger. He immediately bought his finger near his lips and blew some air on the burn as if the air he blew would wipe away the wound from his finger. He started wondering what was he thinking but couldn’t remember it. He felt anger at himself for not being able to remember his own thoughts and the anger was even more justified because it was happening once too often. He has been getting complaints from people around him that he was preoccupied and he lives in his own world and he doesn’t pay too much attention to them. He already had 3 burns on the same spot. If somebody interrupts him and asks him what were he thinking he would say nothing in particular and the other person would get annoyed because they felt he was hiding some thing from them or he was not interested in speaking to them.

He crushed the cigarette under his feet as if reminding it who was the master. He slowly made his way to the wash basin and rinsed his burnt finger. The feel of the gushing water on his skin always calmed him down. Then he went back to the chair and lighted a fresh one. He is remembered of random conversations he had with some of the people around him. Not the entire conversations but bits and pieces of them. Some one said to him “You are so rude. You could have said that you won’t be joining for the dinner in a nicer way”, another sentence came to him “You lack human compassion otherwise how can you not miss any one “, then another “You are not human, I can’t see a human in you” and another “You have double standards.” He closed his ears tightly with both the hands hoping that these words would stop but they wouldn’t. He just got up from the chair and took a couple of steps. He liked to walk , he liked movement of any kind , he liked action because these thing remind him of the fact that he was still alive , at times he would crush the cigarette using his own fingers because the resulting pain would be a sign of life.

He couldn’t understand why these things were said to him but what bothered him was the fact that he was supposed to get hurt on hearing these things but he wasn’t. He had no passion for anything, he had no love for anyone, he had no goal to reach, he was not answerable to anyone, he was not responsible for anything, he had no desire to live nor he had any desire to die, he dint wish to create anything, he dint want to be remembered for ages to come, then what did he want? Just to exist? He thought of creating a pseudo passion, pseudo love, pseudo goal for himself and creating an illusory reason to live but again he doubted his ability to live a lie and discarded that possibility.

He was awakened from his reverie when the fire reached the stub of the cigarette….

If Men were from Venus and Women were from Mars – Part 1

2006-04-05T04:01:00.000-07:00

The other day (Don ask me which day cos I don remember) I was just wondering, what life will be like if the behavior of men and women were interchanged. Few movie scenes came to my mind immediately.

One of them was from the movie Notting Hill, Hugh grant standing in front of Julia Roberts saying “Am just a boy standing in front of a gal asking her to love him”.

Another movie was Dev(i)das(i) imagine Aishwarya Rai drinking her way to death and Shahrukh Khan marrying Aruna Irani and Imran hashmi in the role of Madhuri Dixit.

Another movie was Spider(wo)man in which our own Angelina Jolie playing the lead role and Toby Maguire playing as her love. The scene at the end of part 2 will be like Toby Maguire telling to Jolie “Go get them Tigress “. And Sean Connery will be in the role of Aunt May, imagine him saying to Jolie “With great power comes great responsibility”.

Another hilarious movie was “When Harry met sally”. The scene which came to my dirty mind was – Sally faking an orgasm in the restaurant. I think this scene will be like Harry faking a b**w job. Will Harry Potter be named as Sally Potter? Ok that was a bad one.

Imagine Keanu Reeves being cast in clueless instead of Reese Witherspoon and Nicolas cage acting as the prince in the Prince(ss) Diaries. Madonna and Britney spears being cast in Brokeback mountain. Demi moore will act in “What (wo)men want”.

There are numerous other movies. There are lots of other areas to be explored apart from movies. Any ideas are welcome.

Weekend Updates !!!

2006-04-03T20:40:00.000-07:00

Last week I had four days off, actually only 3 but I took one more day off to make it 4 in a row. Apart from that my quota of leave was also under utilized :). Its has been quite sum time since I have slept till afternoon, the reason for this being I have to wake up at 6:30 A.M to go to office everyday and during the weekends I have to wake up even more early to play cricket. But these four days I never got up before 12 PM :). All in all watched 8 movies in the four days :). Let me list the movies one by one.

1. Shawshank Redemption - Yeah yeah, I know . Better late than never.

2. Butterfly Effect - Dint get the head or tail of the movie during the first hour of the movie, but I never knew it was going to be worth the wait. I even called up the guy who suggested the movie and uttered unspeakable obscenities. But that guy since he has already seen the movie suggested that I be patient and watch it till the end. In the end I was like wow, what an amazing concept. Try to watch the movie when U get a chance and yeah don forget to watch it till the end.:)

3. Fantastic Voyage - This movie came up in sixties and for that time this movie has amazing graphics. The movie is based on one of the Asimov's books.The story of the movie is sum thing like this. There is a scientist wid the brain tumor and he is in coma. There is a technology to miniaturize a person. Hence what they do is miniaturize a submarine wid five people and injects the submarine into the blood stream of the victim. The idea is to get to the position of tumor using the artery and use laser beam to destroy the tumor. The catch is they can stay miniaturized only for 60 mins after that they start growing back to their old size. Whether they are successful in destroying the tumor or not, to find out that, go the nearest DVD renting shop and get yourself a Fantastic Voyage DVD.

4. Hotshots 2 - Absolutely hilarious. Spoof of Rambo with US politics and war on Iraq.

5. On the Line - This is a romantic comedy. This guy meets a gal on the train and they have some arbit conversation and after that she leaves. But later out hero realizes that he is love with the heroine but he doesn’t know anything about her. So what does he do, sticks posters asking her to call him on a particular number. Suddenly he gets calls from every desperate woman in the city. Does the girl respond and call him back? Do they happily live ever after? To know that keep an eye on the star movies schedule for the movie called “On the Line”.

6. Alien Vs Predator – Well supposed to be a horror flick but dint find anything horrifying in the movie. Wouldn’t say worth a watch.

7. Garfield - Just too good. Hilarious stuff.

8. Nature Unleashed Earthquake - Some crap.

Apart from these 8 movies, watched lots of sports, at least 10 games of foot ball, 20 hrs of cricket, and one formula one race and had lots of food.

Also went to Nandi hills one of these days to enjoy the sunrise, a post on that later.

In the coming week I am going to post about my experience wid a friend before and after he got committed. So watch out for the next post.

Does it make sense ?

2006-03-23T01:39:00.000-08:00

I opened my Yahoo messenger today after a long time, one of the offline messages was as shown below.

"ladynatali_** (13/Mar/06 1:08:10 PM): the first time i saw you i dont i just found it im falling in love w/ you every night and day you are always in my mind .if you are willing meet me here my address analit mondano turning 28 in july im a certified single im a simple girl kind honest and responsible my address analit mondano purok 1 brgy. magsaysay kidapawan, city 9400 phils. one aggreement speak only tagalog if you are meet me in person . i love you very much take good care of yourself,. i love you i mish you "

Now to the post mortem of the message.

the first time i saw you ( I have never met anybody by that name ) i dont i just found it im falling in love w/ you ( Whats the bottom line is she in Love wid me or not ?) you every night and day you are always in my mind ( This a bit different instead of Day and Night our lady uses Night and Day, perhaps trying sumthing different or is it her idea of seduction).if you are willing meet me here my address analit mondano turning 28 in july im a certified single(Where do you get such certifications? I mean do you really get a certificate kinda thing with your name printed on it and a hologram with company's name on it so that it cant be faked? Do you get any benefits out of such certifications? how many levels are there ? How are the job prospects in U.S if u have this certification?) im a simple girl kind honest and responsible my address analit mondano purok 1 brgy. magsaysay kidapawan, city 9400 phils. one aggreement speak only tagalog($%^&@# ?) if you are meet me in person . i love you very much take good care of yourself,. i love you i mish you ( Mish ? I guess she means Miss, any way I got reminded of Mishti Doi - Its a Bengali dish , Is Analit a Bengali name ?)

P.S - I have represented the last two letters of her ID with stars just to protect her identity after all the poor female is in love wid me, you see she also mishes me.

GOD getting booed !!!!

2006-03-21T20:37:00.000-08:00

" I was an atheist until someone told me that Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar was God."

The incident which triggered this post is Sachin getting booed by the Mumbai crowd last Sunday. But the desire to write this post has been there for quite sometime now. Some time back I was shocked, infuriated, frustrated and angered when I saw the head line "Endulkar?" I wanted to write this post then but I waited and the God answered my prayers when he played the most important role in winning the one day series against Pakistan and the entire media hailed his innings of 95 as one of the best innings ever played given the conditions. I was happy that the master has delivered and didnt see a necessity to write this post. But fews days later, now I see the God getting booed in his own backyard. Are these people crazy to expect that everytime the master goes to bat he must score a century. I agree that he played a loose shot , he shouldnt have got out the way he did but comeon people its just a mistake cant you forgive his one folly after all he has done for the Indian cricket. He has been playing international cricket for sixteen years now and there was a period when he carried the entire burden when there was nobody to support him he kept the spirits of people alive, he kept their faith in the Indian team alive, he dragged the crowds to the stadium and now you give him this, is this the tribute you pay to this great man. You might argue that he has not won as many games for India although he has all the records, now people tell me is it his fault if he plays and nobody around him plays remember cricket is a team game its not a one man show. I admit that he is no more his old self his game has evolved with time and years has taken a toll on his body. Probably this is the beginning of the end for him but he doesnt deserve the treatment he is getting now, just leave him alone and he will show you what he can do. Do you people think that India can win 2007 world cup without this man, if so check out the world cup statistics of Sachin and you will understand that India will come nowhere close to winning the worldcup without him. India needs this man and they cannot dispose him off as easiliy as they did it with Ganguly. Today is the fifth day of Mumbai test match how badly I wish him to remove that helmet and raise the bat to the pavillion and thank the skies. Yesterday I had another jolt when I heard that he would be out of one day series against the England with shoulder injury, these are not good signs, there is a possibility that there is little cricket left in him. So guys from now on when ever he comes to bat savour his batting as if he is never goin to bat again.

What a day !!!!

2006-03-13T03:13:00.000-08:00

Whoa !!! What a day has been yesterday!!! A perfect sunday after a long time.

Highlights of the day:

1. Played Cricket in the morning and scored some runs after a long time :).

2. Indian tail did wag and hence a lead of 38 runs.

3. Five of England wickets fell yesterday ( Today India won the match).

4. Watched Iqbal on Sony Max, worth a watch, liked it very much.

5. Fernando Alonso won the Bahrain Grand Prix.

6. Was fortunate enough to watch one of the greatest Cricket matches ever played in the history of the game. South Africa won the match and the series against Australia. Number of records tumbled. Absolutely nail biting encounter.

7. Manchester United won against NewCastle united 2-0. Rooney score two goals.

8. Liverpool lost against Arsenal 0-2 . Not that am a Arsenal fan but since Liverpool are in the race for second place in the premiership and competing against Manchester United I wanted them to lose.

I was Euphoric after SA won the match, wanted them to beat Australia very badly. All the old memories (SAs defeat in the world cup semi final) came back flooding. I couldnt have asked for a better Sunday.

Choice Vs Destiny

2006-03-08T00:54:00.001-08:00

People always tell me that life is a compromise and i always retort back saying that life is a choice. But i guess the answer lies somewhere in the middle. Neither everything is a compromise nor everything is choice. There are certain things which you decide by choice and there are certain things where you have no voice. For example I can definitely have my say in what am going to study, whom am goin to marry, how many kids am going to have (not always but most of the times) but I don have a say when it comes to nature-earthquakes, floods, weather etc. But I want to figure out to what extent are our lives governed by the choices we make. The majority of people believe that there is very little choice in life, they leave every thing to so called destiny. They always say that am destined to do my engineering, am destines to marry Miss J ( no this is not the J from previous post), am destined to do this and do that. The saddest part of such attitude is they never realize that there existed a choice and when they are unhappy during later part of their lives they blame it on destiny rather than taking ownership of the situation they are in. It works perfectly well fo them because they feel they have done nothing wrong and it all went wrong cos it was destined to go wrong. But the most important question would be is it right to live this way? When we are presented with a situation shouldn we rationally analyse it and figure out what choices we have got and see what are consequences of each choice and then select which suits the best. There are many advantages with this approach because one thing we are most of the times in control of our lives and these choices work the way we want them to in most of the cases and another thing is we can always rationally justify the choices we make if such a need arises. And ofourse there is always a danger of making a wrong choice but thats alright we can always retrospect as to what went wrong, this is atleast much better than not knowing why we are where we are.I believe that 90% times in life we have a choice and the rest probably is a compromise. There are so many things in life we can choose, we can choose what to study, where to live, to pick our friends, to choose the life partner, what kind of work we want to do etc. It takes a lot of courage to choose because some of the choices may not be time tested, they may not have any emprical weightage, but if your rational faculties say that its the best fit then why not go for it?

I donno who said this but I would like to quote a few lines.

"I wish I had the serenity to accept the things I cant change, Knowledge to change the things I can and wisdom to differentiate between the two."

What's their f^&*ing problem?

2006-03-06T02:20:00.000-08:00

Moi went to Chennai last weekend after a long gap of 2 months. I just wanted spend a lazy weekend feasting on home made cuisines and basically just lazing around. I seriously had no plans of going to any relative's place. But moi mom dragged me along to moi granny's place, no matter of pleading, threatening helped she just emotionally blackmailed me saying that your grand mother is too old and she might pass away any day and I might regret not meeting her etc. I gave in saying that will go sometime in the evening and happily slept off where as moi mom left in the morning itself asking me to eat out :(. So much for the home made cuisines. Moi got up around 4 PM after sleeping at 10 AM :) and lazed around for sometime then realized that I cant escape and I have to go. Finally made to moi granny's place around 5:30 PM.

On going there I realized that its not as bad as I feared in to be, after all they were moi own people, ofcourse a lot of sweets and snacks helped the cause though :). Moi granny was asking me all sorts of questions ranging from Pay package to girl friends. I assured her that i dont have any girl friends and she appeared to be happy on hearing this. I just hoped that she wouldnt pick up the topic of marriage and for a change she dint.:). Finally went to Aunt's place where mom was supposed to be and I thought the ordeal was over without much fuss( not knowing what awaited me at my aunt's place).

Went to Aunt's place exchanged a few pleasantries and then it all began. Moi cousin that bugger who is two yrs younger to me is getting married in a couple of months. So aunt asked me what are moi plans about tying the knot. I said I havnt thought about it hoping that it wouldnt be probed further. Then moi other aunt ( moi mom has 3 sisters) was like we will have to look for a gal who is also working so that she wouldnt get bored when am at office other wise she will just run away and everybody started giggling as if it were a joke. Then she said that there is a girl called Miss J and she also had done her engineering ( mind you its very rare in our community i.e Jains for a girl to study beyond 12th) and she also has plans of working etc. I repeated I havent thought about marriage as of now before I could complete the sentence, moi another cousin's wife started shouting that Miss J is too fat and she wont be a good match for me. For that moi aunt replied that she was fat before but not now. Moi mom also pithed in saying that she had seen Miss J some 8 yrs back( probably she would have been 13 at that time) and she was very pretty with her small face. Then they just sat there and were discussing about my marriage ,my gal, my life as if I were non existent. When they were busy arguing whether Miss J is a good match for me or not, I inconspicuosly slipped out of the room and was finally at peace.

This is not the first time that it had happened and I fear nor will this be the last time. Its a good topic of conversation for them and they take it upon as their responsibility to set me up. Will have to plan something so that these conversations dont happen too often. Thinking of creating a illusory Girl friend and letting them know that am already committed so that these conversations can stop.

Unwell

2006-01-20T00:12:00.000-08:00

This song is by a band called Matchbox 20. Its an amazing song very well sung. Try to listen to it when you get a chance.

ALL DAY
STARING AT THE CEILING MAKING
FRIENDS WITH SHADOWS ON MY WALL
ALL NIGHT
I'M HEARING VOICES TELLING ME
THAT I SHOULD GET SOME SLEEP
BECAUSE TOMORROW MIGHT BE GOOD
FOR SOMETHING

HOLD ON
I'M FEELING LIKE I'M HEADED FOR A
BREAKDOWN
I DON'T KNOW WHY

I'M NOT CRAZY I'M JUST A LITTLE UNWELL
I KNOW RIGHT NOW YOU CAN'T TELL
BUT STAY AWHILE AND MAYBE THEN YOU'LL SEE
A DIFFERENT SIDE OF ME
I'M NOT CRAZY I'M JUST A LITTLE IMPAIRED
I KNOW RIGHT NOW YOU DON'T CARE
BUT SOON ENOUGH YOU'RE GONNA THINK OF ME
AND HOW I USED TO BE

SEE ME
TALKING TO MYSELF IN PUBLIC
AND DODGING GLANCES ON THE TRAIN
I KNOW
I KNOW THEY'VE ALL BEEN TALKING 'BOUT ME
I CAN HEAR THEM WHISPER
AND IT MAKES ME THINK THERE MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG
WITH ME

OUT OF ALL THE HOURS THINKING
SOMEHOW
I'VE LOST MY MIND

TALKING IN MY SLEEP
PRETTY SOON THEY'LL COME TO GET ME
THEY'LL BE TAKING ME AWAY

2006-01-16T07:20:00.000-08:00

I Shall think of you when tears are hard to comeby

Passion or the lack of it

2006-01-16T05:05:00.000-08:00

How important is passion to ones life? I have been haunted by this question for quite some time. I have this nagging feeling that am not passionate about anything in life. I have this attitude of sab-kuch-chalta-hain which am not very sure if its a good attitude to have. When ever am haunted by this question I console myself saying that its just a matter of time before i discover my passion. But there is another side of me which asks me what if I don find my passion and it doesnt feel good when I confront such a question. I can always create a psuedo sense of passion like many other people but my code of life which I live by doesn allow me to do so. But I personally believe that being passionate about some thing is very important to celebrate ones existence, it could be anything, could be work, music, people or anything else. Its kinda gives meaning to your life, purpose to your life without which it would be a lie if I say I am alive. Without passion it feels like you are on a slippery ground with absolutely nothing to hold on. You might fall anytime and never be able to getup. These days I feel am not attached to anything in this world, I hardly feel any emotion, I am very quiet for larger periods of time and when I try to break the silence I feel that a part of me is had been detached and its mockin at my effort. I hope I find my footing soon before its too late.

2005-11-29T04:58:00.000-08:00

I got a comment on one of my previous mails. The comment is given below in italics.

I know this is late, but still...

You know what I'm thinking? When you/I/we say that love is "earned" by means of 'virtue', 'virtue' needs to be defined. And virtue - like anything else that is moral - is a very subjective thing. After what I've been through, 'virtue' has begun to acquire a new meaning these days. So, I think to resolve this argument -- for my sake -- for once and for all, let us try to define virtue.

Initially, I used to believe virtues could be 'counted', as in I could make a list of characteristics -- which I (again it's 'I' - a subjective issue here) deemed worthy -- and then say whether I loved (I'm talking of all kinds of love here) a person or not depending on how many of these characteristics he/she had. And then when he/she started losing these characteristics, I would then stop loving that person. I've since come to realize that this is wrong.

So, back to defining virtue. This is what I believe in now: the only virtue that ultimately matters in a person is whether that person is 'good' at heart or not. Again, by trying to see whether a person is good or not, I'm wary of falling into the 'characteristics list' trap. To me, whether a person is good or not, is solely based on the same three principles
Ayn Rand propounded -- egoism, reason and freedom. A set of core values -- that is all! And this is where I believe I'm making the shift from being judgmental -- which is what made me 'love' people on the basis of my 'characteristics list' -- to being perceptive and understanding -- which is what now makes me aware of the "goodness" in them.

When we start disliking people on the basis of the 'characteristics list', I feel we are being less understanding of their situation and circumstances. Like Atticus Finch, we need to put ourselves in their shoes and feel what they are feeling. What we dislike are merely faults in them. The faults don't matter -- they just obstruct our view of the bigger picture. Working on them does, however. And this is where the 'goodness' comes into play.

Not having the courage to make a life-altering decision might be an indication of cowardice, which could make you not 'love' someone. Throwing insults out of anger is also not justified, which could also make you fall out of 'love'. But when someone tries to undo every 'bad' thing -- by summoning the courage to make that life-altering decision, by regretting every insult -- that is when you need to stop, become Atticus Finch, and start feeling.After all, we are beings of emotion, even though we bide by reason. Maybe it makes us weak, but then it is also what makes us love.-- The double dashes give me away.PS: Turn on the word verification.

Now to my reply .

I realize the importance and implications of what you have stated above fully, It was mighty important for you to make the shift from being judgemental to being perceptive and understanding, that’s the only way you could have done certain things which you couldn have done otherwise. You believed in certain core values or rather the 'characteristic list' and am sure you still continue to believe them but you were caught in the classic inner conflict of heart vs mind(emotion vs reason). Your mind said that she doesn’t meet your characteristic list or rather a part of it and hence you cannot love her the way you want to but your heart refused to take this as a justification. Though your mind damned her your heart still longed for her and you had to come up with some thing really convincing that would resolve this conflict and this has to be done before taking any further steps. And trust me the explanation above was quite convincing.

You said "To me, whether a person is good or not, is solely based on the same three principles ,Ayn Rand propounded -- egoism, reason and freedom. A set of core values -- that is all! " You agree that these are core values , these form the basis on which a person should base his code of life. And I hope you also agree that what ever virtues or the 'characteristic list' we form, every virtue can be traced back to one of these core values. Lets say we call the core three as primary values and the rest of the virtues in the list as derived values. Now it is safe to assume that a person who meets all the primary virtues requirements would inevitably meet the derived virtue requirements. Now if you see that one of the derived values is not being met in a person in whom you believed all the primary virtues were met, then there exists a contradiction, being a proponent of Ayn rand its not much use to tell you that "Contradictions doesn’t exists' remember A is A . Then where did this anamoly creep in, the only place I see is that you have made an error in judgement when you believed that the person met all primary virtues.

You said " And this is where I believe I'm making the shift from being judgmental -- which is what made me 'love' people on the basis of my 'characteristics list' -- to being perceptive and understanding -- which is what now makes me aware of the "goodness" in them. " I have a clarification here what do you precisely mean by goodness here? You seem to suggest that charateristic list and goodness are two different planes . For me they are one and same, I don differentiate between the two for me if a person meets the charateristic list he is good and if a person is good he meets my charateristic list. Going by what I have stated, a person is either good or bad (absolutes black or white) but I guess you are ready to accept people for their varying levels goodness ( grey areas) i.e giving justifications to peoples vices and accepting them for the fraction of goodness in them, this is what I infer when u say "What we dislike are merely faults in them. The faults don't matter -- they just obstruct our view of the bigger picture. "

And to your final comment " After all, we are beings of emotion, even though we bide by reason. Maybe it makes us weak, but then it is also what makes us love." I believe being beings of emotion or reason has nothing to do with our ability to 'make us love' .

Questions ????

2005-11-20T21:23:00.000-08:00

Why did it happen?
Where did I go wrong?
Whose fault is it?
Who is to blame for the state of things?
Where am i to find answers to all these questions?
Some body is accountable for this, who is it?
Why cant life be clearly visible?
Why so many grey areas?
I want every thing in black and white when can I have it?
Why do people expect so much from me?
And when they don get what they expect why do they get disappointed?
Why do they hold me responsible for atrocities in their lives?
Why are they so keen in passing the buck around?
Why do people always choose the easy way out by evading the problem or by just blaming it on others?
How can I ever come to terms with such a world or even if I can when will it be?
Why should I come to terms with this world?
Cant I be left alone and not be bothered?
Is it ever possible to live that way?
Am tired , I really am, of putting up an act every second and making a mockery of myself, my self esteem, my principles, my code of life.
When will I be able to live the way I want to?

I donno if I will ever find answers to these questions, but still outlining the questions that haunt you day and night does help.

P.S : Today is my birthday :) and i turn 23 :(

Numb 03:05

2005-11-18T03:36:00.000-08:00

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithlessLost under the surface
I don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressureOf walking in your shoes

[Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
I'veBecome so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to doIs be more like meAnd be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightlyAfraid to lose control
'Cause everything that you thought I would beHas fallen apart right in front of you
[Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]

Every step that I take isAnother mistake to you
[Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]
And every second I wasteIs more than I can take

And I knowI may end up failing too
But I knowYou were just like me
With someone disappointed in you

I just love this song and I personally feel this by far the best song by Linkin park. Have been listening to this atleast twenty times a day in my phone.

An End or a New Beginning

2005-11-10T05:41:00.000-08:00

I have quit my old job and took up another job. One of my friends gave me an advice that I should treat it not as an end but a new beginning. I just got thinking that how can I treat it as an end, I mean what signifies that it has ended and what is the precise definition of end she was talking about. She gave me an impression as to I was going to severe all the ties with my current world and start out a totally new chapter, as if I was going to forget all the people I know now. Is it ever posible to comment on life, that this chapter has ended and a new one has begun? Just to draw an analogy, Life is like a book, ofcourse its divided into chapters but each chapter has its own relevance and its own bearing on the plot of the book. Can you think of a book in which the characters which appeared in one chapter never appeared in another? I certainly cant think of any unless ofcourse its a collection of short stories or a collection of essays. But am sure life my not a collection of short stories book but a single entitiy which has one plot, in such a scenario every chapter and every character are not forgotten when one moves onto the next chapter.

She just accused me that once I get on with the new job I would forget her because she believes distance plays a large role in keeping people together or apart, but I fought back saying that it depends on the people more whether they keep in touch or not and distance do play a small part but its not the deciding factor. But she refuses to believe me and she also accuses me that am not as sad about as parting as she is. Then I ask her that how can she say that? she replies me back saying that I don appear sad. I am kinda confused and shocked that she judged whether I was sad or not just by the appearance. She said she aint a mind reader and she can only believe what she sees. Well fair enough if she goes by "seeing is believing" then I should say that she is justified when she says that am not sad as she is because I don appear sad. But to tell the truth I do miss her and yes I have no way of proving it other than calling her up and saying that I miss you but well am not built that way and I aint even sure whether she would believe me when I say I do in fact miss her because my tone would still not be sad.

Love Conditional ? Unconditional?

2005-10-30T21:55:00.000-08:00

When I started blogging my first post was on Unconditional Love. The Post is given below in Italics.

"Right from the childhood have repeatedly heard a word called "unconditional love". Have been preached that only the unconditional love is the purest form of love and have believed it till some time back. But if one closely inspects the defnition of unconditional love what he would understand is that it implies loving an entity for absolutely no reason. I have taken it for granted and spent all my life till date loving people for no reason. Have always had this nagging emotion that why should i love this person, he has got nothing to offer me in return, that thought always used to make me feel uncomfortable and at times even guilty. But tell me some thing what would make u more happy, people loving you for your virtues(assuming u have got some) or people loving you for the nothing u have become. If you would appreciate for being loved for what you have got then why does this phrase "unconditional love" bores any meaning in your lives, I shall say love the person for what he is, what he can offer u and what u gain by interacting with him. I refuse to accept "unconditional love" from any body and i refuse to give it to any body. If my virtues permit u to love me and if u love me for that i would appreciate it, i shall not appreciate any form of love or give any form of love that is irrational and unconditional. "

Yesterday I was having a conversation with one of my best friends on this topic. Thankfully he also lives by the same code as I do. All the proponents of Unconditional Love out there I would Like to ask you one question , If at all Love were unconditional how come you say you love a few and you hate a few, shouldn u be able to love every body and every thing irrespective of what they are? (Don tell me actually you do love everyone and everything) . If U love somebody then it implies that you love him for certain things (or Virtues) and if U hate some one U hate him because you don like the way he is. Then how can Love be unconditional at all? Have seen people staring at me when I say that "I love a person because he has got something to offer me and I would stop loving that person when he has lost his ability to offer me the very something which was the basis of my love. " People expect me to love them no matter what they have become, Once I start loving a person, I am expected to love him forever no matter what he does. There is friend of mine who proudly proclaims that if she loves a person and later even if the person rapes another woman or if he commits a murder or if he becomes a drug addict she would still love him because her love for him is unconditional and true. I resent the very idea of unconditional love it doesn make much sense to me. In my view love has to be earned not given on charity.

There will be more posts in the future on this topic. All the view points are welcome. What I have expressed here are purely my views.

Conversation 3

2005-10-17T22:27:00.000-07:00

.........
She : :)
He : Finally squeezed a smile from u.
She : :)
He : Wow incredible its raining smiles .
She : Get an Umbrella.
He : Let me get wet.
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Conversation 2

2005-10-17T22:20:00.000-07:00

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She : History Repeats itself
He : Lightning doesnt strike twice.
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Conversation 1

2005-09-26T22:56:00.000-07:00

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She: I donno Am feeling too low, nothing is going right for me.
He : Don worry everythin is gonna be jus fine, things will be alright.
She: Yeah right, things will pick up how will they pick up? Oh, Am so dumb, My attitude sucks.
He : Hey jus be calm don blame urself for every thing thats wrong under the sun.
She: Shut Up. I dint ask for ur advice. U guys are always like this , given a chance, start Lecturing. Why don u understand that we gals jus want u guys to listen thats all.
He : Hmmm, Ok.
She: What was that "Hmmm" for?
He : Hey sweet, was jus acknowledging thats all, Don get sore at me now.
She: Don call me sweet .What are u trying to say? that i get sore at you all the time, that I am not an amicable person, Then why did u choose me in first place?
He : Hey come on thats not fair when did I say that U r not an amicable person why u trying to read between the lines?
She: Enough is enough. First u say am not an amicable person and then u say am not fair. There is a limit above which I cant take insults and U have crossed that Limit.
He : Hey come on I dint mean any thing the way U have intepreted my words, Any way If I have hurt U am sorry.
She: Yeah Sorry, do everything and say sorry, a typical guy's behaviour.
He : Now what do U want me to do?
She: Nothing.
He : Ok am really sorry , I dint intend to hurt you but it happened that way , am really sorry.
She: Ok forget it, I should have expected it. Ok Bye I gotta leave.
He : Ok bye, good night.
She: Why dint u say good night sweet?
He : U only asked me not to call u sweet.
She: So U wont call me sweet huh? If I say don ever meet me again, you wont meet again huh?
He : But I thought U din want me to call U sweet.
She: U have changed a lot these days. U were so good and nice when we met for first time , now U have become so cold and mean.
He : Ok jus relax, I guess U have had a tough day at office. Go home and have some good rest, we shall talk about it again tomorrow.
She: We are in the middle of a crisis and u ask me to go home and sleep. How insensitive!
He : What crisis?
She: We are on the verge of breaking up and U ask me what crisis?
He : What crap? who is talking about breaking Up?
She: Yeah yeah its all crap for you now, i should have known better. I guess now U don like me any more the way U used to like me thats why U R behaving, the way U r. I guess its over.

One tight slap

He : Good Bye!

Mirror or a Candle

2005-09-01T21:46:00.000-07:00

There are two ways of spreading light;
to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.

First things first, this picture was not taken by me ;), came in today morning as a forward. I normally shift + del my forwards but today since i had nothing better to do just thought of giving the forwards a try. I came across this one in one of those never ending good morning messages which start from morning 9 and go on till about 4 in the afternoon. Just read the words and looked at the picture and wondered what would I like to be a candle which is the original source of light or the mirror which just reflects light which is not its own. Well being an advocate of reason started analysing the pros and cons of being a candle or a mirror. If you be the candle you are the original source of Light, you can light the darkness and speaking metaphorically you can bring light into some body's life. But the candle melts as time goes on, its length decreases proportionately with time and finally it gets extinguished. Now look at the mirror it does nothing except reflecting light but gives an impression as if it is the never ending source of light. It just rides on somebody's achievement ( in this case the candle). But the light from the mirror lasts only the time the candle is burning. The moment the candle is extinguished there is no light for the mirror to reflect. The mirror exists waiting for another source but the candle is gone. This analogy can be applied to many areas in life. For instance there are two types of people in this world people who innovate and people who imitate. The second type rides on the achevement of the first and ironically in most cases the imitators gain more than the creators. Its a matter of choice to be an innovator or an imitator. So what would you like to be ?

Past is Past

2005-08-30T21:28:00.000-07:00

In the Last Mock CAT, I had an RC about past influencing the present. This got me thinking about how much does the past influences present or how much should it influence the present or how well can we differentiate between them. Have heard people saying get over your past, Oh thats past now think about the future, why do u wanna still live in the past? But can one really ignore the past as if it never happened?, can one wipe out the slate clean and start again ? What i personally believe is one can never really erase the past though one might put up an act as if he never lived it but the fact that he lived that moment remains. The actions of the past does have a great influence on the present and similarly the actions of the present will have a huge influence in the way one's future shapes up. There is logical connection between all the three. Have heard people saying that "Why I am like this ? Why this is happening to me ?Why do I feel this way? " not able to explain their actions, not able to rationalize their emotions. When one does not find answers to such questions, in most cases he just blames it on fate, saying its out of his control, he is just a pawn and takes the easy way out. In such a case he does not give importance to the facts which will help him answer these questions but just relies on the crutches provided by entitites like fate, god etc. But i believe careful introspection of one's own self will answer all these questions. I don believe in denying the past because that would be equivalent to faking reality. Past is Past ,A is A, you denying the fact does not mutate the fact, the fact remains you consciously choose to acknowledge it or ignore it.

In the End

2005-07-25T08:01:00.000-07:00

Have you ever asked yourself a question, Why me? Its quite natural to someone who is under tremendous pressure. There is nothing you can do about it, but take it as it comes. I really feel now that I shouldn have taken her to lunch today, if I wouldn have, I could have avoided such a predicament. But well whats the point in crying over spilt milk when its all over. I know i cant reverse things the way they stand now, If at all i could go back in time and cancel my luncheon appointment with her. But let me come back to reality, fine irreparable damage has been done but its time to move on, there is so much more to life, am hardly 23 years old. Self encouragement always helps in such situations, things like "Don worry dude, you are not the only one who goes through such phases, majority goes through it and there is absolutely no fault of yours in what happened", can help lifting the spirits. My conscience is constantly torturing , saying you could have avoided this mishap if you wouldn have taken her to lunch in first place but i retort back saying i did what i had to do what i wanted to do and now i don regret doing it. Amidst all the trouble cant help myself singing

I had to fart to lose it all
In the end it doesnt even matter....

Where do I belong?

2005-07-21T21:28:00.000-07:00

Caught between tears and joy
Caught between care and indifference
Caught between sleep and dreams
Caught between smiles and sighs
Caught between wants and needs
Caught between courage and fear
Caught between success and failure
Caught between body and soul
Caught between day and night
Caught between mortal and eternal
Caught between me and what you want me to be
Caught between love and hatred
Caught between life and death

When you have no solid ground to step on, when you have no side you can take or nobody who can take your side, when you have no emotion you can feel, when you can neither live nor die, you are nothing but CAUGHT.